NFL Pregames are the Refuge for the Retarded

Holy hell, my brain just isn't being allowed to recover from the Guitar Hero aneurysm from yesterday.

Today, at about a quarter after noon, the Fox NFL pregame featured this doucebag giving the weather ffor the games with giant signs featuring words like "Sweet," "Trouble," and "Rain." Then they transition into, and I kid you not, a piece about a truck. A truck that was IN STUDIO.

Partially 'Tarded Terry: "And how'd you get here today?"
Douchebag: "It's funny you should ask! I used the new Ford Flibberygiblet [not sure if that's the right model of Dodge b/c I was screaming and hitting myself with a rock] over there!"
All Five Morons around the Desk: "OooooooOOOOoooooOoooOOoooo!"

I then change the channel back to ESPN (which is never a good decision whenever anyone wants some knowledge about sports), and they are talking about what would have happened had Ditka gone against Obama for Illinois state senate in '04. I don't care, I want to know about Steven Jackson. Their transition? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG. Angry caps don't do my emotions justice. Do I honestly care what Keyshawn Johnson dressed up as when he was a whiny-mouthed piece of shit kid? No!

I honestly don't understand NFL pregame shows anymore. They cram entirely too many people in their studios, they rely on stupid fluff pieces to fill time, they use moronic openings to "set the tone," and they lack actual insight into these games. Oh, Emmitt Smith, do you really think Adrian Peterson is going to do well this week? And you think the Titans play good defense? And you're positive that Steve Smith is a solid recieving option? Really? Way to go out on a limb whilst butchering the English Language.

And so help me, I will be hard-pressed not to buy a sniper rifle with two bullets should Howie Long and Tom Jackson square off in a pretentious-overdramatically-morally-outraged-finger-pointing argument in public.

Every NFL program should scrap their setups and just start from scratch.

Awkwardly enough, I like what Strahan's doing though, so he can stay. Actually, my chosen studio lineup would beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:

Host: Keith Olbermann
Former Player: Michael Strahan
Former Player: Cris Carter
NFL Newsguy: Jay Glazer

I'd list something from CBS's crew, but the only guy I can think of who isn't terrible is James Brown, and I've had a man-crush on Olbermann or over a decade, so it's not really a debate. Also notice: no Frank Caliendo, no Kenny Mayne - No forced funny crap. NFL pregame is for NFL info, not buck-toothed chuckles.

A Hatred So Great...

I...I'm sorry, but my brain is just....it's fried. I can't remember what I was going to write about.

I just saw that new Guitar Hero commercial with ARod, Kobe Bryant, Tony Hawk, and Mike Phelps. That many douchebags in one place...prancing about....I just can't....

I might hang myself. I can't live with that image seared into my brain.

So much hate. So. Much. Hate.

Let the Rioting Begin!

Big ups to those kooky Phillies from Philadelphia. They broke a twenty-eight year drought from their last WS, erasing the drunken shadow of Mitch Williams and his tiny, yet concentratedly solid, balls.

Although I'm a happy duck for these guys, who have arguably three of the best five players in the National League, all this can't help but bring up my pesky little CONSPIRACY THEORY! Let's take a gander at the last five WS winners, with their previous titles in parenthesis:

2008 - Philadelphia Phillies (1980)
2007 - Boston Red Sox (2004)
2006 - St. Louis Cardinals (1982)
2005 - Chicago White Sox (1917)
2004 - Boston Red Sox (1918)

Aside from goofy McPants Red Sox in '07, all of those titles ended some serious droughts. Was/is this an attempt by MLB to reignite stagnating fan bases, and also to attract band wagon fans to further amplify their merchandise sale.

Is it really so goofy to entertain that notion? This is the same sports league that, in full knowledge of steroid abuse, let its surliest, most obvious abuser and dickbag break its most prestigious record, and then when he completed his task had him blackballed. Is that so farfetched? Is it? IS IT?!




Hahaha, no seriously, it's not a conspiracy. It's just encouraging to think that if these teams can turn it around and win it all, then maybe the Tigers will capture a WS in the near future, too. Haha, conspiracy. Ridiculous. And good luck signing Cole Hamels to a sensible deal in a year or two, Phils. Bwhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!


....but I really do believe the Barry Bonds stuff. That's just blatantly obvious.

This Isn't an Anti-Favre Blog. For the Most Part...

I'm watching ESPN's NFL Primetime, and Merril Hoge just said this at the end of the Jets-Chiefs highlight, "Say what you want about Brett Favre, but he always comes up in moments like these!"

Just so you know, Favreerverererere threw three interceptions in this game (nearly four), two of which were just absolutely "WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT?!"-type picks, the crippling kind, and the game-winning catch should be counted as a fumble recovery by Lavernues Coles. Bravre chucked out this leprosy-riddled duck that barely made it to the goal line, and Coles, wearing a Chiefs (the KC Chiefs! They of the non-existant defense!) defender like a scarf, one-handed this ball and made a quick spin into the end zone. That was alllllll Coles. Bravre almost blew this game to arguably the worst defense in the league, almost negated the super-human efforts of Leon Washington and the strongly above average games of Coles, Jerricho Cotchery, and Thomas Jones, and Hoge feels like Bravre won this game for the Jets?

This is why I have no faith in humanity.





If the Jets had Drew Bledsoe instead of Bravre they would be undefeated. MARK IT DOWN!

Brett Favre is and has been Bad at Football

I swear to Rob, in 1993 Brett Farvrfererverrvrer signed a lucrative agreement with most, if not all, major sports news contributers and publishers, where in return for acting like some kind of pre-pubescent 11-year-old boy all the damn time they would all agree to never say anything bad about him ever again.

I'm as serious as a fat man's fourth heart attack.

When people talk about Brett's records, all 714 of them, they always accompany something great, like when he throws a pass that Crotchery, Jennings, Brooks, Freeman, Rison, Coles, Driver, Franks, or Edgar Freaking Bennett out of the backfield somehow miraculously pull an interception from a defense and converts it, with the nonchalance and miraculousness of a Greek deity, into a touchdown, the announcers go on a tear about how Brettski has the most touchdowns ever, the best red zone erection ever, the most completions, etc. HOWTHEBALLSEVER, when he throws a mindless, crippling interception no one bothers to say with bemused tact, "Well, he does have the most interceptions in the NFL. EVER!"

And it's made even more ridiculous because I would venture to say that 47% of those interceptions were either in the end zone or killing a drive that led to a loss. Seriously, Drew Bledsoe has gotten crap all his career about several picks in the end zone. Brettballs has had probably EVEN MORE than that, and no one bats an eye or offers to blow Drew Bledsoe in apology!

It's also bordering on complete homoerotic retardation how these barfhumping shitburglers think that Brarve hasn't actually been a mediocre quarterback for the last tenyears, not to mention that his single(simple)-minded quest for the most consecutive starts has probably hurt the Packers/Jets more than it has helped them during that span. Statistical proof? WHY OF COURSE MY LITTLE DINGLEBERRY:

1999 - 22 td's, 23 int's, 74.9 rat
2000 - 20, 16, 78.0
2001 - 32, 15, 94.1
2002 - 25, 16, 85.6
2003 - 32, 21, 90.4
2004 - 30, 17, 92.4
2005 - 20, 29, 70.9
2006 - 18, 17, 72.7
2007 - 28, 15, 95.7
2008 - 13, 8, 92.3

Sure, he's had a couple 30 td seasons, but aside from '01 and '04, his picks are always close to his td totals, if not surpassing them. Also keep in mind his last four seaons. If not for 2007 any argument could have been accurately made that he is completely washed-up. Y'know, I count '07 as an aberration because the Pack put together a team that can support an offense with parts that survive apart from each other, but do even better put together. Jennings and Grant are young studs who are showing they can carry offenses, Driver is basically an acrobat with a kevlar vest, and the O-line is literally bully people regardless of who they plug in. Consider the fact that this season with the Jets, that redneck retard STILL doesn't know the playbook (which the announcers always seem to overlook, or even blame on the recievers) and threw 6 td's vs. 'Zona. And did you know he's never had a qb rating over 100?

And the cherry on top of this whole revulsion is that when Bravre "won" his third MVP, his team was straight STACKED: the defense was sick, his recievers were making the most absurd catches I have ever seen, and Dorsey Levens was brutalizing people. His co-MVP? BARRY GOTDAMNED SANDERS! He led that team to a 9-7 record, to the bloody playoffs, with Scott Mitchell as the quarterback! Barry rushed for exactly 2,000 yards in 14 games! HE WAS EATING OPPOSING DEFENSES ALIVE! When the supporting casts are compared, it makes negative sense that Bravre even got partial credit for that award. Shit, if I were Sanders I would have retired right after that season.

This is all making me so outraged it's hard to use me ol' noggin.

Look at that spoiled, vindictive, petty sack of bulldog's ass. If only he could have toiled in obscurity in Atlanta. Le sigh...

the Tomlinson Corrollary

This is one of the weirdest fantasy season i have ever laid witness to. In real football, it seems that any team can beat any other team at any point on any week. Yay mediocrity! I mean...Parity! Yay! hopefully this season every team will finish 8-8 and the Super Bowl will be picked by way of a 32-team wrestling tournament featuring kickers in cages, battling for the chance to actually win a Super Bowl MVP (Viniateiri, you were ROBBED, man!)!

But in fake football, everyone who is supposed to be good is terrible, and i mean slam-your-hand-in-a-slidiing-door-before-Christmas terrible. Brady-done. Larry Johnson-inconsistent. Peyton-still recuperating. And then there's LaDainian Tomlinson, he of the Cursed Toe. Let's check some stats, shall we? Guess which season these first six games numbers go with:

544 rush yards, 7 td's, 10 receptions
405 rush yards, 4 td's, 18 receptions
655 rush yards, 3 td's, 32 receptions
473 rush yards, 7 td's, 32 receptions


give up? the first is from his rookie season, AKA the worst season of his career because, well, he was a rookie. the second is his current season, where his big toe is ruining everything. the third is his 2003 season, where he caught a HB record 100 passes and scored 13 td's. the last one is from his mystical 2006 season. y'know, where he scored an ungodly 28 td's to go with his 1800+ rush yard, 50+ catches, and three recieving td's to add insult to injury. What does this all serve to prove? Well, initially i was hoping that this would be an indicator that
A) he is getting older, and therefore losing his touch...es. bwhaha,
B) he is finally showing the wear and tear from nearly 3,000 touches, or
C) nothing is wrong! move along, move along.
Unfortunately, i think that the first two scenarios are the most likely. LDT has suffered more abuse over the last few years than any young runner in the NFL. Sure, he's piling on stats, or he used to pile on stats, but now his body is just getting older and more beat up, and SD's passing offense is really scary right now; they just don't need him to do the things he did. So, in essence, do we still worry?

Well, yeah, man, I drafted that idiot first overall and i'm getting nothing in return! Of course we worry! He's done, i tells ya! DONE!

I think the worst part of all this is that LDT is in about fourteen different commercials now, and every one of them are portraying him as the incredible superman that he is clearly not anymore. Man, i hate that guy...but don't get me started on him versus Ryan Grant. That guy's a piece of pig vomit.




"Hey LaDainian! Which way is North?"

Fantasy Sports are Killing My Unborn Child

For the first three rounds of my ff league, i drafted LaDainian "Tommy" Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Ryan Grant. Sounds like a sweet stable of running backs, eh? A foundation to build on as yards are accumulated and TD's horded? Like greedy, greedy underpants gnomes? Well, the funny thing is, THEY ALL SUCK THROUGH TWO WEEKS! Want to know who my best back is thus far? The Darkness, Jerious Norwood, who's been collecting moss on my bench with kyle orton and deion branch's corpse. Week One was a tease between Tommy and Grant: both rushed for 90+ yards and no TD's. They were due, right? Bollocks to those two C U Nest Tuesdays! They ran for a COMBINED 46 yards (26 by tommy, 20 by grant)! AGAINST THE LIONS AND CHARGERS!!!

Steve Jackson did okay, considering the fact that the Rams will never hold a lead and he might score 3 td's all season. Kurt Warner came through, though. Y'know, save for the fact he threw all 3 TD's to Anquan Boldin...who was on my opponent's team.

And then there was Jon Kitna. I benched Green Bay's D in favor of New England this week, because, y'know, NE played the Jets (and Favre isn't that good, will hunting) and i felt like the lions would be efficient in their passing prowess. I looked pretty smart for doing so, until the bloody fourth quarter when Kitna found my sundae and blasted ferocious hot brown stew all over it. Three INT's in the fourth? Really? To my benched D? REALLY? FOR TOUCHDOWNS THAT BENEFITED THE AFOREMENTIONED DEFENSE WHILE IN REAL LIFE COSTING MY HOMETOWN TEAM A WIN?????!?!?!?!?

/seizure

(wakes up in blue vomit)

(looks around)

(sees, Jon Kitna, sitting on a potted plant, grimacing, makes eye contact)

Me: You son of a bitch...

Kitna: Bluh?

Me: What happened to the running attack? The one that would have eaten all the clock time?

Kitna: --grunts--

Me: THE RUN THAT WAS RE-COMMITTED TO?! SO THAT WHEN THERE WAS LESS THAN 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK A FIELD GOAL WOULD HAVE BEEN KICKED AND YOU WOULDN'T COST ME POINTS AND YOU WOULD'VE BEATEN THE PA...


/seizure

(Kitna stands over my unconscious body. licks my hair)

** fin **



...seriously, though. I should not have lost this week. My team owes me.

Ryan Braun is Taint....ed

Remember last year, when Ryan Braun burst onto the scene like a stomach spawn from "Alien"? He was ridiculous, absolutely riDIRKulous, and in just 113 games, 451 at bats, he put up these numbers:

91 R, 146 H, 26 2b, 6 3b, 34 hr, 94 rbi, .370 obp, .634 slg, and an absolutely disgusting 1.004 ops.

Essentially, he could have gone up to bat weidling his donkey sausage and walloped a double into the gap and he could have used his butt cheeks to waddle into second. He arguably could have won the NL MVP last year (well, between Holliday and Rollins, he could have finished 3-5...but I digress). He was APESHIT. This year his statline is reminiscent of his final line last year...except right now he has played in 23 more games with almost 100 more ab's. How about his last ten games, to better contextualize his 2008 stats?

36 ab's, 2 R, 6 H, 0 2b, 0 3b, 0 hr, 0 rbi, a drop of .006 in obp, a drop of .067 in slg, and a drop of .043 in ops.

It's like he's going up to the dish with Johnny Estrada's penis and trying to bunt. I mean, come on! He's batting .225 in september! Gah. Would you like to know how he did last september?

27 R, 32 H, 6 2b, 1 3b, 9 hr, 29 rbi, .308 avg.

"Ryan Braun." Whatever. Let the Royals reliever keep the name, it's too righteous for a gimped, retarded, long-nosed, dick-jiggling, kitten-rapist! Let's call him Taintface! Yeah! Taintface!

I hate you, Taintface. You are like a throbbing, veiny, seeping boil on the asscrack of a vagrant. A vagrant who just ran two blocks in Key West to dive into a pile of rooster shit. I am livid with this guy's performance right now. I hope real Brewer fans are having kittens about this crap. Oh my gosh.

Insert Weiner Here.

***
On the bright side, the Lions are still terrible. Oh wait.

***

Vince Young is not insane, he just doesn't like to be booed.

Let's hope he never gets traded. Or learns how to be a real quarterback.

Between this scenario and Matt Leinart's, doesn't it seem like NFL teams should be doing a much better job drafting and cultivating quarterbacks? These are two guys who were given a system in college that suited their games perfectly, in addition to ridiculous talent surrounding them. They also got to destroy the competition in college because college football is chock full of players who are the best at their schools, not the best in the country necessarily. Sometimes it's a matter of who the fastest wheelchair racer is in the Special Olympics - Michael Johnson could still outrun the fastest bastard there.

Shoot, this brings back flashes of David Carr, Ryan Leaf, and even Alex Smith currently. It's disgusting! These qb's are thrown into the fire, left to be destroyed, all the while trying to sort out the fact that in college they were gods and in the NFL they are gangrene on Travis Henry's ballsack. That can devastate their confidence, and when your subconscious is against you, you're not going to succeed at anything, let alone quarterbacking and NFL franchise.

And if they really are a product of a system? That should be entirely more evident, like in the cases of Troy Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and Heath Schuler. These guys were good, even great qb's in college, but NFL teams knew better (eep. scratch the Schuler reference. The Redskins apparently think college success translates seamlessly into NFL success. Ask Desmond Howard) and avoided pinning their hopes on these people.

Why do GM's fall prey to this? And why do coaches throw all their eggs in one basket right away? One could hypothesize that the coaches pull the trigger so early because they hope these qb's can revolutionize their teams and buy them a few more years on the job. Or maybe the gm's and coaches are under durress from pressure dropping down via the owner. All these factors probably predicate the issue of young quarterback failure. It's sad, really.

But there's still hope! Some teams actually make conscientious efforts towards cultivating their young talent! Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to look at a football until a full year had passed since his draft day. Phil Rivers waited. Jay Cutler waited. And, although it's probably premature, Aaron Rodgers paid his dues and waited for his overrated, worthless, idiotic, short-sited predecessor to skip town because some team offered him a case of Wild Turkey, and he looked pretty good against a very good defense.

I dunno. I just hope teams wise up. I hate praying every night for Drew Stanton to pan out. Blech.


"Hey kids! U-member me?"

I will not mention Tom Brady

Oliver Perez stood by his locker after his team rallied late to give him a no decision, saving him a devastating loss. He sighed and breathed deeply into his microphone, contemplating the right words to say, the right way to convey the relief and the euphoria he felt after being let off the hook. He wouldn't be responsible for a slip up in the Mets' charging towards their division crown in Aught Eight.

He looked at the microphone, tightened his grip. His eyes, red-rimmed and weary, closed slowly. Then he lowered his giant, gaping monkey face on top of the mike and started sucking away like Rich Garces trying to extricate the last bit of Slurpee from his Big Gulp. It wasn't a microphone at all; it was David Wright succulent penis.

Oliver Perez, who has been a revelation the last month and a half as a waiver pick up for my fantasy team, biffed it against the Washington Nationals (!!!) last night, and instead of accruing the loss he deserved his stupid, ball-twiddling teammates bailed him out with a three-run sixth inning. I wish those bastards would've just lost. I don't care about the no decision! What feeling does that leave me with! It wasn't a win like I needed, so I wanted everyone involved to suffer!

GAHHHHHH

On the plus side, waiver whore Randy Wolf gots me a much needed winsy poo. What a guy!

***

On the injury front for NFL, Marques Colston will be out for 4 to 6 weeks with a thumb injury that required surgery. That leaves the door open for Devery Henderson, David Patten, and Robert Meachem to fight over who gets a first-row seat to watching Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush catch all of Drew Brees' passes.

It's kinda sad, really; the same guy in my league that owned Tom Brady (nutsack, I mentioned him) and Chris Johnson also owned Colston. This dude's team is Team Madden Cover. Absolutely ridiculous, man.

***

Erik Bedard is throwing still. For no good reason. I hope his fetus goes to hell.

***

Fantasy pickup for this weekend: Antwaan Randle-El. He's like poor man's old version of Nate Burleson.

What's up with injuries this season? Good lord.

Go Aaron Rogers Go II

Another edition of Go Aaron Rogers Go can only mean one thing: I’m sick of a sports story.

This particular story has been gaining steam for months, and it’s becoming a “whenever I turn on the tv, something alludes to this story” type of dealie – worse than the Brett Favreervverere thing. Brettski was only confined to sporting channels and the occasional snippet in the Free Press or Detroit News. This story dominates headlines. At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, I am awfully sick of hearing about Michael Phelps.

Yeah, I know, I’m a communist. I hate America, apple pie, and freedom. Amurrica? No thank you! Moar Monarchy laced with tyranny, plz! ZOMG!

No, seriously, this Phelps thing is getting out of hand. To start with, it’s the Olympics; we don’t give a crap about these people for roughly three and a half out of every four years. Secondly, these games are filled with asinine competitions (tandem diving? Really?) that only serve to make events like swimming appear to be far greater than they are.

Not to knock swimming, because Lord knows I couldn’t even fathom the depths to which these athletes push themselves (ROFLMAO DOUBLE PUN), and it’s just plain grueling, but all you’re doing is plowing through water to get from one side of the pool to another. That’s it, except sometimes you do it in a different way. Can you imagine if they incorporated styles of running into the Olympics? Like if there were 3 different types of 100M dashes? The goofy run, the backwards run, and the real run?

To laud someone for swimming better than anyone else in the world, why not give props to the person who can dance the longest? To the best knife-juggler? Tangent. Anyway. Phelps. Being the toast of the Olympics is like being the most interesting person in first grade: yeah, you’re the best, but everything about first grade sucks. Even you, secretly. Suxors. I don’t care that you dominate at swimming. I don’t care to hear about how Amurrica rules vicariously through your swimming. The Olympics are dumb, media saturation pertaining to Olympics are dumb, apparently Phelps is a douchebag in the real world, and this story makes me want to suck a bulldog’s ass.

***

On an unrelated note, Ryan Braun better get his back in order soon. I (and the Brewers, I guess) need that chump to start smashing.

What Was Once Justin Verlander...

Okay, so once upon a time i defended Justin Verlander. I said he couldn't actually be bad, couldn't legitimately perform poorly on the mound. I came to his defense at the start of the season and said that he, Justin Brooks Verlander, would snap out of the malaise that consumed him. Guess what? Justin "Dickballs" Verlander loves dicks and balls. He loves to cradle them like a newborn, to purse his sweaty lips and lower himself slowly, tantalizingly, on top of the man-meat.

Justin Verlander is bad at baseball, and subsequently should mail out monetary reparations for all the poor saps who believed in his potential and acquired him para fantasy. And then he should nail his 1) pitching hand, 2) limp dick, 3) stupid horseface to a shed and be pelted with monkey turds.

Can he be this bad, this frustrating? YES. Statistical backing? YEEEEES!

Dude's ERA for the season: 4.77. ERA for August alone? 8.25!! His WHIP is 1.50 for the month to boot! His groundball/flyball ratio right now is 1.00, compared to freaking 1.22 in '96. He just set a new personal high for intentional walks with 7 (previous high: 3)! This is the WORST. STRETCH. OF. HIS. CAREER. and that's not even taking into account how craptastic he's been save a 6 game stretch from June 22 to July 20.

Look, I know the dude's been the recipient of a dumptruck full of luck; he lost one game a month last year. One game a month! But GEEZ, man. I'm having trouble conveying all this because I am so full of blind, pulsating rage. This man is not just farting in the open mouths of his fantasy owners, but he's crapping the bed for the Tigers as well. How much different would the season have gone if he was the funk-stopping, opponent-stifling, game-changing ace he has the potential to be?

Again, unfair for me to heap all sorts of blame for the Tigers' miserable season on Dickballs and not the inconsistent lineup, horrible trade for the cadaver that was once Edgar Renteria, and the prolonged cranky-injuredness of the ghost of Gary Sheffield, but it's very convenient.

And I guess I shouldn't be upset because I received Dickballs and Corey Hart for Carlos Lee and Phil Hughes (Lee - out for season now, Hughes - infinitely worse than Dickballs).]

Ol' Dickballs legitimately cannot figure out what to do with this spherical piece of horsehide. He used to know, but now he just wants to take a big, sloppy bite. What a C U Next Tuesday, eh?

Holy Post Deadline Deal, Batman!

Wow, I just recently read that the Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired Adam Dunn for a box of ramen noodles. This is, to say the least, mind-altering. Dunn goes from a pretty sad-sack scenario in Cincinnati (part rebuilding, part Dusty Baker excrement) to a first place team in probably one of the most desirable locations for a professional athlete to play.

This is great for me b/c i have mark reynolds and stephen drew on my fantasy team, who should (theoretically) benefit from the addition of someone who, if he isn't walloping home runs to mexico (32 thus far, 412.1 feet avg, 16 No Doubters [hit tracker is AMAZING]), is on base almost all the time (80 walks, .370 OBP). i bet arizona resigns him to an extension and actually use him correctly (read: in the 3 or 4 slot, not buried and wasting at 5 or 6). and they won't try and make him bunt (like that dum-dum over there, Dusty).

Also, and this is disconcerting, I had sent an email to Ken (Michael "Mose Schrute" Schur) Tremendous - lots of names - with a snippet about me pining for the trade of Adam Dunn for Gary Sheffield, and what happens three hours later? A trade involving Adam Dunn. Hmmmh.

(that sentence implies two false things: 1. that I email Mr. Schur all the time 'cause he's my buddy [doesn't know who i am... i think], 2. my random hopes and dreams were based in reality re: Dunn-for-Sheffield. Anyway. Trade was huge. Donkey-sausage huge.)

From the Dept. of Nonsense and Ball-Sucking

So, re: Ryan Dumpster.

When things don’t make sense I tend to get frustrated with bewilderment, kind of like when you throw a capuchin into an open desktop pc – feces everywhere and maniacal screaming. That’s how I feel about this Ryan Dempster nonsense going on right now.

“What the capital F is wrong with Ryan Dempster,” I hear you ask, “He’s the court jester of baseball! He’s Canadian! He plays for America’s sweethearts!” Oh, really.

1. There are plenty of baseball people funnier than he (just can’t think of them right now…sue me, it’s early). Doing a Harry Carey impression = funny? Nope.
2. So are hockey players, but that doesn’t mean everyone loves them. Know who else was Canadian? Hitler. Okay, maybe not… but Ben Johnson was!
3. The Cubs aren’t a real baseball team, and they only have, like, 9 real fans. They’re a stereotype of a successful, tragic, star-crossed franchise.

So, Ryan Dempster nonsense? He’s Cy Young incarnate, apparently. The Cliff Lee of the National League, if you will. Check out his stats this year, and let’s compare them to, let’s say, his previous three best seasons.

2008 – 12-5, 150.7 IP, 133 K’s, 59 BB, 2.93 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 15 QS

2000 – 14-10, 226.1 IP, 209 K’s, 97 BB, 3.66 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 20 QS

2001 – 15-12, 211.3 IP, 171 K’s, 112 BB, 4.94 EA, 1.56 WHIP, 19 QS

2005 – 5-3 (33 SV), 92 IP, 89 K’s, 49 BB, 3.13 ERA, 1.43 WHIP

Notice anything funny? Could it be that HE’S NOT AS GOOD AS HIS STATS INDICATE THIS YEAR? This is absolutely baffling how all the regular pitchers this year who are supposed to be good aren’t really, and this choad can turn in a season like this for no apparent reason. And the Cubs are just riding him right now into contention. I mean really, his WHIP and walks all tell a different story of his past! He had to be converted into a relief pitcher at one point! Having a 3.13 ERA as a closer is like having a 4.70 ERA as a starter! I DIDN’T EVEN DISPLAY HIS BAD SEASONS! GET HIM OFF THE HGH!

Do I have it out for the Cubs and for Ryan Dempster? Well, as someone who owns Erik Bedard and has watched Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Greg Maddux, Matt Cain, Jeff Francis, Tom Gorzelanny, and Brett Myers all struggle and suck, I can tell you this is maddening. It’s like everything I’ve hoped and believed in is suddenly rendered moot. What's next, Ben McDonald, Justin Thompson, and Todd Van Poppel coming back and contending for the Cy Young for the Rockies?

(I’d be so much angrier if not for Cliffy. You can keep defying odds, buddy. Dempster can suck Rich Harden’s balls)

How can you NOT hate him right now? ryan dempster is a DUMBTARD

Go Aaron Rogers Go

I have despised and loathed Brett Faarvreerrverrervre for well over a decade now, and all my cries of how overrated he is has been met with scorn at best, feces at worst. Damn capuchins. however, it appears as though not all in the media are against the dislike of brettski: This news piece places the dude in a better, clearer light. not straight up unabashed hatred, no, but tasty all the same. lord, am i sick of this story.

in fact, i'm going to make these "Go Aaron Rogers Go" posts as a way to chastise overdone sports stories.

so let it be written, so let it be done.

i hope the jets lose every game.

The Mets Like Eating Putrid Aborted Fetuses

The New York Mets suck my balls.

I shall elaborate re: ball sucking.

Johan Santana is amazing, correct? Correct. The best pitcher in baseball? Correct*. Has the best pitch in baseball, featuring a devastating changeup, right? Correct…I mean right. Let’s check his stats:

Fifth in NL ERA (2.85), Seventh in NL K’s (135), Fourth in IP (161), Seventh in WHIP (1.16), and Fourth in QS (17).

So why, OH WHY in the name of Lee Corso’s merkin, is this man only 9-7? Reason = The Mets. The Mets are sucking his balls, and they’re using teeth.

As of today, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the sixth time in 24 starts this season that Santana came out of the game with a lead and failed to win. SIXTH TIME, and in four of those, the collapse came in the ninth inning. That means your boy, my boy, Johan “I gots the Donkey Sausage” Santana would be 15-7 if his bullpen wasn’t the equivalent of a coked-out grandpa in a grenade juggling competition—unpredictable, shaky, and in general a bad idea to look at. Look at this, for his first 21 starts this year in terms of earned runs allowed:

0-1 ERs - 7 times
2 ERs - 5 times
3 ERs - 5 times
4 or more ERs - 4 times

Really? 17 times in 21 starts he gives up under four runs? And the Mets can’t seal the deal? Can’t score runs?

More facts on why the Mets suck and Johan doesn’t? Of course! A small sample size to give you a taste: during a 6 start period from early June to early July, the Mets scored only 11 runs for Santana. That’s 40 innings of work. Want to know how many runs Santana allowed? 11. Four of those came in one pretty crappy start, but during that game the Mets scored…drumroll please… one run.

So there it is. The Mets acquire the best pitcher in baseball to aid them in contending in the NL East, to add some juice to an already solid staff, to conquer the demons from the end of last season’s collapse, and what do they do? Squander him. Blow him like a barracuda.

To own him in fantasy is to hate the (now lower case because I despise them so) new york mets.

"......i can't believe i miss minnesota"

* - not quite discounting Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, or even Cole Hamels or Tim Lincecum. But still - it's JOHAN SANTANA, man!

Oh Dear God

Emergency update: Brett Favre is a New York Jet.

This boggles the mind, scrabbles the mind, connect fours the mind, and then will probably monopolize the mind for the foreseeable future.

Go Aaron Rogers. Go.

Who are These People? Mark Fidrych?

What the dace is up with major league pitching this year? I mean seriously now: what the dace?! We’ve got Jeff Francis swallowing the dead raccoon who ate a load of turds, Rich Hill devolving into a larva, Erik Berdard stewing in a jug of rotten buffalo fetuses, and there’s Scott Kazmir.

The Kaz has done nothing of redeemable value for anyone, the Rays, his fantasy denizens… Heck, I even heard he left his wife and kid alone in the department store and went to gobble on some barbequed donkey sausage. WTF! For the first month of the season this dude was eating hitters’ lunches nonstop, tossing the horsehide like it was a hummingbird sneeze; he was untouchable. And now? Now he can’t even make it five innings, can’t even finish a start without walking 4+, can’t win a freaking game. And the Rays expect to win their division? With this? Bollocks. BALDERDASH!

I declare Shenanigans on Scott Kazmir and his lack of pitching. Where’s Victor Zambrano when you need him?

***

This Brett Farverevrer nonsense needs to just end already. This man is a selfish prick – just let the Packers move on already! Has he even seen the episode of Seinfeld when George realizes that it’s best to leave on a high note? Didn’t Brett have his “Good night, everyone!” cry-fest already? Maybe he’s not content with being the retired fake best quarterback ever when he’s cruising the Wisconsin scene for sorority tail and painkillers. Way to put your team, the one that acquired you and made you a king, on the spot there, Bretty boy. You douche. I hope Aaron Rogers wins the MVP for the next nine seasons.

***

My fantasy football draft is on August 31^st. Seeing as how when I research for X amount of hours I still do terrible, and whichever unfortunate soul I draft in the first round criminally underachieves, I’m just not chomping at the bit to start up this year. In fact, I refuse to read any fantasy football pieces until the day of the draft. I won’t buy a magazine until August 31^st, nor will I compile a list of players in any particular ranking. What’s even more frustrating is that in our draft lottery I wanted a bottom three pick (we do a snake style drafting system), and what do I get? The first pick. So now, be wary if you draft either LaDainian or Adrian Peterson—one of them is going on my team and subsequently underachieving/getting seriously injured.

***

Does anyone else love Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks? You know exactly what you’re getting with this dude: for a week or two he will be atrocious, missing everything, running poorly, making outs left and right, and then for several days at a time he’s Babe Ruth; he KILLS the ball and steals bases and in general garners more extra bags than a Beverly Hills teenager in a Gucci store (yes, horrible metaphor, I know, but it’s early. It’s so, so early!). And he’s dreamy. …What?

Olympics METAL! Wah-wah!

Starting up a big-boy grown-up job after working at a camp can certainly put a damper on a blogging schedule, that’s for dern sure.

First things first, though: Olympics, Josh Hamilton, Pudge Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Mike Beasley, Craig Jones, Erik Bedard, Marion Hossa, the Dark Knight (not sports, certainly, but my gosh, man!), Darren McFadden, Mike Martz, Brett Farvevrer, Anna Kournikova, Portland Trailblazers, and Cliff Lee. Movers? Yes. Shakers? Of course. Things that should be of interest? Naturally.

***

Over this little hiatus (yes, another one) the Detroit Red Wings pilfered two rather helpful contributors to the Pittsburgh Penguins in Ty Conklin (backup extraordinaire) and Marian Hossa.

Conklin gained renown this season for coming in when MA Fleury went down in net and essentially set up a giant panda in front of the crease; no one could beat the guy for stretches it seemed. He was like a menacingly fat child guarding a box of Twinkies.

Hossa is, outside of ‘Rik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk, the best two-way forward in the NHL. Dude’s a dynamo—watching him tear up the ice, forechecking, backchecking, going on the offensive, plotting in the neutral zone, and then scoring oodles of goals, it’s always been a pleasure, and now I get to watch the dude from my team’s perspective. Am I excited? Does a hobo ride the railways? (A Boxcar Hobo is being referenced, not the Hitchhiking Hobo or the Alleyway Hobo. Durr.) Can you even imagine him on a line with either of the aforementioned two-way Wings? OR BOTH?? Oop, just shat myself.

***

Cliff Lee cannot stop pitching well. I realize that in the past he has shown himself to be a reliable pitcher, if not an up-and-comer, for the Indians; dude went 18-5 in Aught-Five for the Native Americans. His middle name is Phifer. But what he’s doing now? He’s not pitching out of his mind, he’s pitching out of FDR’s sealed and mummified anus right now (completely random and inexplicable. Get it? Good job). Plus, I thought starting the All-Star game would affect him negatively, but no, the Lee train keeps right on rolling.

***

Also recent, Francisco Liriano was (FINALLY) called up to the Twins. After eating the lunch of pretty much everyone in the International League, Liriano and his agent AND the throng of Minnesotans sick of second place began to question out loud the validity of keeping Mr. Lightning-In-A-Bottle in the minors. After Livan Hernandez went his 14^th straight start of throwing marshmallows instead of baseballs, Twins GM Bill Smith takes the scales off his eyes and notices the destruction left in Liriano’s wake an calls him up. Good decision? FREAKING DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (with an emphasis on the heavy-breathing “H.” Go on, try it. “Hhhhhhhhhhhhh.”).

***

Oh, and the Olympics are starting soon. I’ve never been big on them ‘Lympics, but I’ll give it another go. Maybe USA basketball won’t suck a donkey choad this time. MAYBE.

ESPN sucks, apparently

One of the most asinine jokes of my generation has become the mockery of Mtv: "How can there be a music television that doesn't actually play any music?" It has become a tired cliche because, honestly, it's painfully true. Mtv's lack of music videos that aren't being played from 2 am to 5 am makes it a shadow of its former self, ripe with opportunities to be chastised mercilessly. That's all well and good (any network that features "the Hills" deserves something between "Cancellation" and "Death by Capuchin!"), but another major network is beginning to stumble away from its intended origins. It is losing itself to the hyporcitical "Special Programming" and ignoring more and more the basis of what it covers.

Having said that, allow me to now say that ESPN sucks it righteously, blows a donkey, and all in all produces the program equivalent of public access featuring drunken children skate boarding.

It didn't happen overnight. In fact, one could almost say that is started when Sportscenter lengthened from a smart, tight half-hour to an hour long segment with more storylines. That seemed fine, but soon the smart broadcasters began slinging out hellacious catch phrases (featuring a disturbing lack of dignity... and humor), the storylines overtook the highlights, and viewers began to have polls to vote on. Then ad space became available DURING THE SHOW, with beer companies sponsoring stupid interview segments, a statline only the insomniac could enjoy sponsored by a car they'll never drive, and movie stars hawking their wares all while trying to fain interest in questions that kind sorta almost ties their movie to sports.

Naturally, with all the good poll questions tackled (but really, are there any good poll questions to be asked? Ever?), inane questions involving the rash judgement of any one or any team became the feature. Essentially, the day ESPN died was when it asked "Who's Now?" That bass-ackwards, mentally retardesque dip into depravity was only topped by, naturally, Mtv's hideous choice of reality programming. Stuart Scott, who seems to disregard actual sports journalism now, asks questions about an athletes SOCIAL impact in parties, movies, etc. With that segment ESPN announced that it cared more about appealing to the Pop Culture zealots than catering to its sports niche. Right now taking in any sort of ESPN is like crapping through your bathing suit to get to the toilet: you can see the sports, you can almost reach the sports, but not without going through a complicating middle man.

***

Sooooo, Pistons - Celtics, eh? I wonder which team America will root for. America loves Boston. America LOOOVES BOOOSTOOOOONN!!! BAMERISTON LOOOVES MASSACHUSA!!!! No, really, I'm quite fine with how this is going to play out. The Pistons will show up, face off against an exhausted Celtics team, win in 6, and then everyone will complain about how boring the NBA finals are going to be... As if the last 2 minutes in any basketball game ever were riveting (time out..... foul..... shooting... rebound...foul ....timeout.... timeout.... foul..... ).

***

Should Roger Clemens be demonized the way Barry Bonds has? Yes. Is it a racial thing? Probably, at some level that nobody would like to admit to. Should both of them be in the hall of fame someday? I think that yes, the earlier parts of their careers (aka the Not 285 lbs. part) should definitely be enshrined, but their "aided" stats should really be asterisked or altogether forgotten... which is sad because those stats are reDIRKulous. DICronculous. CRONlucurlic.

***

Honestly, which team would take Gary Sheffield's corpse? (We all know the real Gary Sheffield died in an Atlanta Braves uniform, right?)

The Haze

First post in how long? Good lord. Embarassing.

Justin Verlander is not actually bad at baseball. This is a common misconception with the average baseball fan; his numbers are lacking, and his performance of late leaves something to be desired. However, this sad-sack donkey-hole job of hitting, fielding, and pitching that the Detroit Tigers have been up to lately can taint the entirety of this kid's perception. The same can also be said of Miguel Cabrera, Jeremy Bonderman, Magglio Ordonez, and (to a recent extent) Curtis Granderson. I know these are good ball players. You know they are good ball players. It's just that, and I firmly believe this, they are embroiled in a schnide the likes of which haven't been seen in... well, they kinda seem to be setting a new precedent right now.

Verlander has had ridiculously good luck his first two seasons, playing for teams that may or may not have influenced his stats and performance a skosh. Now that the whole team is bogged down it seems to be easy to start panicking and entering that "HOLY HELL! START TINKERING! TINKERINGS!"- mode. I swear on a stack of grandmothers that all this will require is some patience. Verlander doesn't actually suck. The Tigers don't actually suck. I'd present statistical backing right now, but this is my first post back in over a year and I'm quite lazy.

***

I honestly hope that the Hornets make it to the NBA finals this year to represent the Western Conference. I know the popular prayer is for a Lakers/Celtics brouhaha for the season's climax, but watching Paul, West, and Chandler attacking Chauncey Billups, Tayshaun Prince, and my boy Theo Ratliff over seven games would be...well, I was going to say "a gritty gutfest!", but chances are it'd be a slowed down, angry, violent series, sans over-saturation by the grueling, drooling media monster.

***

Lord, I am terrified of the Penguins. Sidney Crosby, though man-tasic, is a force of nature. Gino Malkin seems to be the cow dropping on your car after Crosby's hurricane, and Marian Hossa has been playing things too under the radar. He's in a contract situation, how could he not want to give the performance of a lifetime?

And speaking of, if you were Hossa, wouldn't you play for much less for the chance to play with the Cros? I mean, I'm not saying he should take league minimum; he's way too good for that. It would behoove him to take below market value, though, assuming he wants to win Cups and pile up lifetime stats.

***

This is Cliff Lee and his family. Now, just by looking at this picture, wouldn't you picture him as some guy working for Saturn? I mean, his family is too adorable and he just....he just looks like a guy. Actually, I think I loaned him a buck at an airport over the holidays. Hey, Cliff! Don't worry about the dollar! You are helping my fantasy teams too much!