Ryan Braun is Taint....ed

Remember last year, when Ryan Braun burst onto the scene like a stomach spawn from "Alien"? He was ridiculous, absolutely riDIRKulous, and in just 113 games, 451 at bats, he put up these numbers:

91 R, 146 H, 26 2b, 6 3b, 34 hr, 94 rbi, .370 obp, .634 slg, and an absolutely disgusting 1.004 ops.

Essentially, he could have gone up to bat weidling his donkey sausage and walloped a double into the gap and he could have used his butt cheeks to waddle into second. He arguably could have won the NL MVP last year (well, between Holliday and Rollins, he could have finished 3-5...but I digress). He was APESHIT. This year his statline is reminiscent of his final line last year...except right now he has played in 23 more games with almost 100 more ab's. How about his last ten games, to better contextualize his 2008 stats?

36 ab's, 2 R, 6 H, 0 2b, 0 3b, 0 hr, 0 rbi, a drop of .006 in obp, a drop of .067 in slg, and a drop of .043 in ops.

It's like he's going up to the dish with Johnny Estrada's penis and trying to bunt. I mean, come on! He's batting .225 in september! Gah. Would you like to know how he did last september?

27 R, 32 H, 6 2b, 1 3b, 9 hr, 29 rbi, .308 avg.

"Ryan Braun." Whatever. Let the Royals reliever keep the name, it's too righteous for a gimped, retarded, long-nosed, dick-jiggling, kitten-rapist! Let's call him Taintface! Yeah! Taintface!

I hate you, Taintface. You are like a throbbing, veiny, seeping boil on the asscrack of a vagrant. A vagrant who just ran two blocks in Key West to dive into a pile of rooster shit. I am livid with this guy's performance right now. I hope real Brewer fans are having kittens about this crap. Oh my gosh.

Insert Weiner Here.

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On the bright side, the Lions are still terrible. Oh wait.

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Vince Young is not insane, he just doesn't like to be booed.

Let's hope he never gets traded. Or learns how to be a real quarterback.

Between this scenario and Matt Leinart's, doesn't it seem like NFL teams should be doing a much better job drafting and cultivating quarterbacks? These are two guys who were given a system in college that suited their games perfectly, in addition to ridiculous talent surrounding them. They also got to destroy the competition in college because college football is chock full of players who are the best at their schools, not the best in the country necessarily. Sometimes it's a matter of who the fastest wheelchair racer is in the Special Olympics - Michael Johnson could still outrun the fastest bastard there.

Shoot, this brings back flashes of David Carr, Ryan Leaf, and even Alex Smith currently. It's disgusting! These qb's are thrown into the fire, left to be destroyed, all the while trying to sort out the fact that in college they were gods and in the NFL they are gangrene on Travis Henry's ballsack. That can devastate their confidence, and when your subconscious is against you, you're not going to succeed at anything, let alone quarterbacking and NFL franchise.

And if they really are a product of a system? That should be entirely more evident, like in the cases of Troy Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and Heath Schuler. These guys were good, even great qb's in college, but NFL teams knew better (eep. scratch the Schuler reference. The Redskins apparently think college success translates seamlessly into NFL success. Ask Desmond Howard) and avoided pinning their hopes on these people.

Why do GM's fall prey to this? And why do coaches throw all their eggs in one basket right away? One could hypothesize that the coaches pull the trigger so early because they hope these qb's can revolutionize their teams and buy them a few more years on the job. Or maybe the gm's and coaches are under durress from pressure dropping down via the owner. All these factors probably predicate the issue of young quarterback failure. It's sad, really.

But there's still hope! Some teams actually make conscientious efforts towards cultivating their young talent! Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to look at a football until a full year had passed since his draft day. Phil Rivers waited. Jay Cutler waited. And, although it's probably premature, Aaron Rodgers paid his dues and waited for his overrated, worthless, idiotic, short-sited predecessor to skip town because some team offered him a case of Wild Turkey, and he looked pretty good against a very good defense.

I dunno. I just hope teams wise up. I hate praying every night for Drew Stanton to pan out. Blech.


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