ESPN sucks, apparently

One of the most asinine jokes of my generation has become the mockery of Mtv: "How can there be a music television that doesn't actually play any music?" It has become a tired cliche because, honestly, it's painfully true. Mtv's lack of music videos that aren't being played from 2 am to 5 am makes it a shadow of its former self, ripe with opportunities to be chastised mercilessly. That's all well and good (any network that features "the Hills" deserves something between "Cancellation" and "Death by Capuchin!"), but another major network is beginning to stumble away from its intended origins. It is losing itself to the hyporcitical "Special Programming" and ignoring more and more the basis of what it covers.

Having said that, allow me to now say that ESPN sucks it righteously, blows a donkey, and all in all produces the program equivalent of public access featuring drunken children skate boarding.

It didn't happen overnight. In fact, one could almost say that is started when Sportscenter lengthened from a smart, tight half-hour to an hour long segment with more storylines. That seemed fine, but soon the smart broadcasters began slinging out hellacious catch phrases (featuring a disturbing lack of dignity... and humor), the storylines overtook the highlights, and viewers began to have polls to vote on. Then ad space became available DURING THE SHOW, with beer companies sponsoring stupid interview segments, a statline only the insomniac could enjoy sponsored by a car they'll never drive, and movie stars hawking their wares all while trying to fain interest in questions that kind sorta almost ties their movie to sports.

Naturally, with all the good poll questions tackled (but really, are there any good poll questions to be asked? Ever?), inane questions involving the rash judgement of any one or any team became the feature. Essentially, the day ESPN died was when it asked "Who's Now?" That bass-ackwards, mentally retardesque dip into depravity was only topped by, naturally, Mtv's hideous choice of reality programming. Stuart Scott, who seems to disregard actual sports journalism now, asks questions about an athletes SOCIAL impact in parties, movies, etc. With that segment ESPN announced that it cared more about appealing to the Pop Culture zealots than catering to its sports niche. Right now taking in any sort of ESPN is like crapping through your bathing suit to get to the toilet: you can see the sports, you can almost reach the sports, but not without going through a complicating middle man.

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Sooooo, Pistons - Celtics, eh? I wonder which team America will root for. America loves Boston. America LOOOVES BOOOSTOOOOONN!!! BAMERISTON LOOOVES MASSACHUSA!!!! No, really, I'm quite fine with how this is going to play out. The Pistons will show up, face off against an exhausted Celtics team, win in 6, and then everyone will complain about how boring the NBA finals are going to be... As if the last 2 minutes in any basketball game ever were riveting (time out..... foul..... shooting... rebound...foul ....timeout.... timeout.... foul..... ).

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Should Roger Clemens be demonized the way Barry Bonds has? Yes. Is it a racial thing? Probably, at some level that nobody would like to admit to. Should both of them be in the hall of fame someday? I think that yes, the earlier parts of their careers (aka the Not 285 lbs. part) should definitely be enshrined, but their "aided" stats should really be asterisked or altogether forgotten... which is sad because those stats are reDIRKulous. DICronculous. CRONlucurlic.

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Honestly, which team would take Gary Sheffield's corpse? (We all know the real Gary Sheffield died in an Atlanta Braves uniform, right?)

The Haze

First post in how long? Good lord. Embarassing.

Justin Verlander is not actually bad at baseball. This is a common misconception with the average baseball fan; his numbers are lacking, and his performance of late leaves something to be desired. However, this sad-sack donkey-hole job of hitting, fielding, and pitching that the Detroit Tigers have been up to lately can taint the entirety of this kid's perception. The same can also be said of Miguel Cabrera, Jeremy Bonderman, Magglio Ordonez, and (to a recent extent) Curtis Granderson. I know these are good ball players. You know they are good ball players. It's just that, and I firmly believe this, they are embroiled in a schnide the likes of which haven't been seen in... well, they kinda seem to be setting a new precedent right now.

Verlander has had ridiculously good luck his first two seasons, playing for teams that may or may not have influenced his stats and performance a skosh. Now that the whole team is bogged down it seems to be easy to start panicking and entering that "HOLY HELL! START TINKERING! TINKERINGS!"- mode. I swear on a stack of grandmothers that all this will require is some patience. Verlander doesn't actually suck. The Tigers don't actually suck. I'd present statistical backing right now, but this is my first post back in over a year and I'm quite lazy.

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I honestly hope that the Hornets make it to the NBA finals this year to represent the Western Conference. I know the popular prayer is for a Lakers/Celtics brouhaha for the season's climax, but watching Paul, West, and Chandler attacking Chauncey Billups, Tayshaun Prince, and my boy Theo Ratliff over seven games would be...well, I was going to say "a gritty gutfest!", but chances are it'd be a slowed down, angry, violent series, sans over-saturation by the grueling, drooling media monster.

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Lord, I am terrified of the Penguins. Sidney Crosby, though man-tasic, is a force of nature. Gino Malkin seems to be the cow dropping on your car after Crosby's hurricane, and Marian Hossa has been playing things too under the radar. He's in a contract situation, how could he not want to give the performance of a lifetime?

And speaking of, if you were Hossa, wouldn't you play for much less for the chance to play with the Cros? I mean, I'm not saying he should take league minimum; he's way too good for that. It would behoove him to take below market value, though, assuming he wants to win Cups and pile up lifetime stats.

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This is Cliff Lee and his family. Now, just by looking at this picture, wouldn't you picture him as some guy working for Saturn? I mean, his family is too adorable and he just....he just looks like a guy. Actually, I think I loaned him a buck at an airport over the holidays. Hey, Cliff! Don't worry about the dollar! You are helping my fantasy teams too much!