Go Aaron Rogers Go II

Another edition of Go Aaron Rogers Go can only mean one thing: I’m sick of a sports story.

This particular story has been gaining steam for months, and it’s becoming a “whenever I turn on the tv, something alludes to this story” type of dealie – worse than the Brett Favreervverere thing. Brettski was only confined to sporting channels and the occasional snippet in the Free Press or Detroit News. This story dominates headlines. At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, I am awfully sick of hearing about Michael Phelps.

Yeah, I know, I’m a communist. I hate America, apple pie, and freedom. Amurrica? No thank you! Moar Monarchy laced with tyranny, plz! ZOMG!

No, seriously, this Phelps thing is getting out of hand. To start with, it’s the Olympics; we don’t give a crap about these people for roughly three and a half out of every four years. Secondly, these games are filled with asinine competitions (tandem diving? Really?) that only serve to make events like swimming appear to be far greater than they are.

Not to knock swimming, because Lord knows I couldn’t even fathom the depths to which these athletes push themselves (ROFLMAO DOUBLE PUN), and it’s just plain grueling, but all you’re doing is plowing through water to get from one side of the pool to another. That’s it, except sometimes you do it in a different way. Can you imagine if they incorporated styles of running into the Olympics? Like if there were 3 different types of 100M dashes? The goofy run, the backwards run, and the real run?

To laud someone for swimming better than anyone else in the world, why not give props to the person who can dance the longest? To the best knife-juggler? Tangent. Anyway. Phelps. Being the toast of the Olympics is like being the most interesting person in first grade: yeah, you’re the best, but everything about first grade sucks. Even you, secretly. Suxors. I don’t care that you dominate at swimming. I don’t care to hear about how Amurrica rules vicariously through your swimming. The Olympics are dumb, media saturation pertaining to Olympics are dumb, apparently Phelps is a douchebag in the real world, and this story makes me want to suck a bulldog’s ass.

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On an unrelated note, Ryan Braun better get his back in order soon. I (and the Brewers, I guess) need that chump to start smashing.

What Was Once Justin Verlander...

Okay, so once upon a time i defended Justin Verlander. I said he couldn't actually be bad, couldn't legitimately perform poorly on the mound. I came to his defense at the start of the season and said that he, Justin Brooks Verlander, would snap out of the malaise that consumed him. Guess what? Justin "Dickballs" Verlander loves dicks and balls. He loves to cradle them like a newborn, to purse his sweaty lips and lower himself slowly, tantalizingly, on top of the man-meat.

Justin Verlander is bad at baseball, and subsequently should mail out monetary reparations for all the poor saps who believed in his potential and acquired him para fantasy. And then he should nail his 1) pitching hand, 2) limp dick, 3) stupid horseface to a shed and be pelted with monkey turds.

Can he be this bad, this frustrating? YES. Statistical backing? YEEEEES!

Dude's ERA for the season: 4.77. ERA for August alone? 8.25!! His WHIP is 1.50 for the month to boot! His groundball/flyball ratio right now is 1.00, compared to freaking 1.22 in '96. He just set a new personal high for intentional walks with 7 (previous high: 3)! This is the WORST. STRETCH. OF. HIS. CAREER. and that's not even taking into account how craptastic he's been save a 6 game stretch from June 22 to July 20.

Look, I know the dude's been the recipient of a dumptruck full of luck; he lost one game a month last year. One game a month! But GEEZ, man. I'm having trouble conveying all this because I am so full of blind, pulsating rage. This man is not just farting in the open mouths of his fantasy owners, but he's crapping the bed for the Tigers as well. How much different would the season have gone if he was the funk-stopping, opponent-stifling, game-changing ace he has the potential to be?

Again, unfair for me to heap all sorts of blame for the Tigers' miserable season on Dickballs and not the inconsistent lineup, horrible trade for the cadaver that was once Edgar Renteria, and the prolonged cranky-injuredness of the ghost of Gary Sheffield, but it's very convenient.

And I guess I shouldn't be upset because I received Dickballs and Corey Hart for Carlos Lee and Phil Hughes (Lee - out for season now, Hughes - infinitely worse than Dickballs).]

Ol' Dickballs legitimately cannot figure out what to do with this spherical piece of horsehide. He used to know, but now he just wants to take a big, sloppy bite. What a C U Next Tuesday, eh?

Holy Post Deadline Deal, Batman!

Wow, I just recently read that the Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired Adam Dunn for a box of ramen noodles. This is, to say the least, mind-altering. Dunn goes from a pretty sad-sack scenario in Cincinnati (part rebuilding, part Dusty Baker excrement) to a first place team in probably one of the most desirable locations for a professional athlete to play.

This is great for me b/c i have mark reynolds and stephen drew on my fantasy team, who should (theoretically) benefit from the addition of someone who, if he isn't walloping home runs to mexico (32 thus far, 412.1 feet avg, 16 No Doubters [hit tracker is AMAZING]), is on base almost all the time (80 walks, .370 OBP). i bet arizona resigns him to an extension and actually use him correctly (read: in the 3 or 4 slot, not buried and wasting at 5 or 6). and they won't try and make him bunt (like that dum-dum over there, Dusty).

Also, and this is disconcerting, I had sent an email to Ken (Michael "Mose Schrute" Schur) Tremendous - lots of names - with a snippet about me pining for the trade of Adam Dunn for Gary Sheffield, and what happens three hours later? A trade involving Adam Dunn. Hmmmh.

(that sentence implies two false things: 1. that I email Mr. Schur all the time 'cause he's my buddy [doesn't know who i am... i think], 2. my random hopes and dreams were based in reality re: Dunn-for-Sheffield. Anyway. Trade was huge. Donkey-sausage huge.)

From the Dept. of Nonsense and Ball-Sucking

So, re: Ryan Dumpster.

When things don’t make sense I tend to get frustrated with bewilderment, kind of like when you throw a capuchin into an open desktop pc – feces everywhere and maniacal screaming. That’s how I feel about this Ryan Dempster nonsense going on right now.

“What the capital F is wrong with Ryan Dempster,” I hear you ask, “He’s the court jester of baseball! He’s Canadian! He plays for America’s sweethearts!” Oh, really.

1. There are plenty of baseball people funnier than he (just can’t think of them right now…sue me, it’s early). Doing a Harry Carey impression = funny? Nope.
2. So are hockey players, but that doesn’t mean everyone loves them. Know who else was Canadian? Hitler. Okay, maybe not… but Ben Johnson was!
3. The Cubs aren’t a real baseball team, and they only have, like, 9 real fans. They’re a stereotype of a successful, tragic, star-crossed franchise.

So, Ryan Dempster nonsense? He’s Cy Young incarnate, apparently. The Cliff Lee of the National League, if you will. Check out his stats this year, and let’s compare them to, let’s say, his previous three best seasons.

2008 – 12-5, 150.7 IP, 133 K’s, 59 BB, 2.93 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 15 QS

2000 – 14-10, 226.1 IP, 209 K’s, 97 BB, 3.66 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 20 QS

2001 – 15-12, 211.3 IP, 171 K’s, 112 BB, 4.94 EA, 1.56 WHIP, 19 QS

2005 – 5-3 (33 SV), 92 IP, 89 K’s, 49 BB, 3.13 ERA, 1.43 WHIP

Notice anything funny? Could it be that HE’S NOT AS GOOD AS HIS STATS INDICATE THIS YEAR? This is absolutely baffling how all the regular pitchers this year who are supposed to be good aren’t really, and this choad can turn in a season like this for no apparent reason. And the Cubs are just riding him right now into contention. I mean really, his WHIP and walks all tell a different story of his past! He had to be converted into a relief pitcher at one point! Having a 3.13 ERA as a closer is like having a 4.70 ERA as a starter! I DIDN’T EVEN DISPLAY HIS BAD SEASONS! GET HIM OFF THE HGH!

Do I have it out for the Cubs and for Ryan Dempster? Well, as someone who owns Erik Bedard and has watched Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Greg Maddux, Matt Cain, Jeff Francis, Tom Gorzelanny, and Brett Myers all struggle and suck, I can tell you this is maddening. It’s like everything I’ve hoped and believed in is suddenly rendered moot. What's next, Ben McDonald, Justin Thompson, and Todd Van Poppel coming back and contending for the Cy Young for the Rockies?

(I’d be so much angrier if not for Cliffy. You can keep defying odds, buddy. Dempster can suck Rich Harden’s balls)

How can you NOT hate him right now? ryan dempster is a DUMBTARD

Go Aaron Rogers Go

I have despised and loathed Brett Faarvreerrverrervre for well over a decade now, and all my cries of how overrated he is has been met with scorn at best, feces at worst. Damn capuchins. however, it appears as though not all in the media are against the dislike of brettski: This news piece places the dude in a better, clearer light. not straight up unabashed hatred, no, but tasty all the same. lord, am i sick of this story.

in fact, i'm going to make these "Go Aaron Rogers Go" posts as a way to chastise overdone sports stories.

so let it be written, so let it be done.

i hope the jets lose every game.

The Mets Like Eating Putrid Aborted Fetuses

The New York Mets suck my balls.

I shall elaborate re: ball sucking.

Johan Santana is amazing, correct? Correct. The best pitcher in baseball? Correct*. Has the best pitch in baseball, featuring a devastating changeup, right? Correct…I mean right. Let’s check his stats:

Fifth in NL ERA (2.85), Seventh in NL K’s (135), Fourth in IP (161), Seventh in WHIP (1.16), and Fourth in QS (17).

So why, OH WHY in the name of Lee Corso’s merkin, is this man only 9-7? Reason = The Mets. The Mets are sucking his balls, and they’re using teeth.

As of today, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the sixth time in 24 starts this season that Santana came out of the game with a lead and failed to win. SIXTH TIME, and in four of those, the collapse came in the ninth inning. That means your boy, my boy, Johan “I gots the Donkey Sausage” Santana would be 15-7 if his bullpen wasn’t the equivalent of a coked-out grandpa in a grenade juggling competition—unpredictable, shaky, and in general a bad idea to look at. Look at this, for his first 21 starts this year in terms of earned runs allowed:

0-1 ERs - 7 times
2 ERs - 5 times
3 ERs - 5 times
4 or more ERs - 4 times

Really? 17 times in 21 starts he gives up under four runs? And the Mets can’t seal the deal? Can’t score runs?

More facts on why the Mets suck and Johan doesn’t? Of course! A small sample size to give you a taste: during a 6 start period from early June to early July, the Mets scored only 11 runs for Santana. That’s 40 innings of work. Want to know how many runs Santana allowed? 11. Four of those came in one pretty crappy start, but during that game the Mets scored…drumroll please… one run.

So there it is. The Mets acquire the best pitcher in baseball to aid them in contending in the NL East, to add some juice to an already solid staff, to conquer the demons from the end of last season’s collapse, and what do they do? Squander him. Blow him like a barracuda.

To own him in fantasy is to hate the (now lower case because I despise them so) new york mets.

"......i can't believe i miss minnesota"

* - not quite discounting Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, or even Cole Hamels or Tim Lincecum. But still - it's JOHAN SANTANA, man!

Oh Dear God

Emergency update: Brett Favre is a New York Jet.

This boggles the mind, scrabbles the mind, connect fours the mind, and then will probably monopolize the mind for the foreseeable future.

Go Aaron Rogers. Go.

Who are These People? Mark Fidrych?

What the dace is up with major league pitching this year? I mean seriously now: what the dace?! We’ve got Jeff Francis swallowing the dead raccoon who ate a load of turds, Rich Hill devolving into a larva, Erik Berdard stewing in a jug of rotten buffalo fetuses, and there’s Scott Kazmir.

The Kaz has done nothing of redeemable value for anyone, the Rays, his fantasy denizens… Heck, I even heard he left his wife and kid alone in the department store and went to gobble on some barbequed donkey sausage. WTF! For the first month of the season this dude was eating hitters’ lunches nonstop, tossing the horsehide like it was a hummingbird sneeze; he was untouchable. And now? Now he can’t even make it five innings, can’t even finish a start without walking 4+, can’t win a freaking game. And the Rays expect to win their division? With this? Bollocks. BALDERDASH!

I declare Shenanigans on Scott Kazmir and his lack of pitching. Where’s Victor Zambrano when you need him?

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This Brett Farverevrer nonsense needs to just end already. This man is a selfish prick – just let the Packers move on already! Has he even seen the episode of Seinfeld when George realizes that it’s best to leave on a high note? Didn’t Brett have his “Good night, everyone!” cry-fest already? Maybe he’s not content with being the retired fake best quarterback ever when he’s cruising the Wisconsin scene for sorority tail and painkillers. Way to put your team, the one that acquired you and made you a king, on the spot there, Bretty boy. You douche. I hope Aaron Rogers wins the MVP for the next nine seasons.

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My fantasy football draft is on August 31^st. Seeing as how when I research for X amount of hours I still do terrible, and whichever unfortunate soul I draft in the first round criminally underachieves, I’m just not chomping at the bit to start up this year. In fact, I refuse to read any fantasy football pieces until the day of the draft. I won’t buy a magazine until August 31^st, nor will I compile a list of players in any particular ranking. What’s even more frustrating is that in our draft lottery I wanted a bottom three pick (we do a snake style drafting system), and what do I get? The first pick. So now, be wary if you draft either LaDainian or Adrian Peterson—one of them is going on my team and subsequently underachieving/getting seriously injured.

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Does anyone else love Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks? You know exactly what you’re getting with this dude: for a week or two he will be atrocious, missing everything, running poorly, making outs left and right, and then for several days at a time he’s Babe Ruth; he KILLS the ball and steals bases and in general garners more extra bags than a Beverly Hills teenager in a Gucci store (yes, horrible metaphor, I know, but it’s early. It’s so, so early!). And he’s dreamy. …What?

Olympics METAL! Wah-wah!

Starting up a big-boy grown-up job after working at a camp can certainly put a damper on a blogging schedule, that’s for dern sure.

First things first, though: Olympics, Josh Hamilton, Pudge Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Mike Beasley, Craig Jones, Erik Bedard, Marion Hossa, the Dark Knight (not sports, certainly, but my gosh, man!), Darren McFadden, Mike Martz, Brett Farvevrer, Anna Kournikova, Portland Trailblazers, and Cliff Lee. Movers? Yes. Shakers? Of course. Things that should be of interest? Naturally.

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Over this little hiatus (yes, another one) the Detroit Red Wings pilfered two rather helpful contributors to the Pittsburgh Penguins in Ty Conklin (backup extraordinaire) and Marian Hossa.

Conklin gained renown this season for coming in when MA Fleury went down in net and essentially set up a giant panda in front of the crease; no one could beat the guy for stretches it seemed. He was like a menacingly fat child guarding a box of Twinkies.

Hossa is, outside of ‘Rik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk, the best two-way forward in the NHL. Dude’s a dynamo—watching him tear up the ice, forechecking, backchecking, going on the offensive, plotting in the neutral zone, and then scoring oodles of goals, it’s always been a pleasure, and now I get to watch the dude from my team’s perspective. Am I excited? Does a hobo ride the railways? (A Boxcar Hobo is being referenced, not the Hitchhiking Hobo or the Alleyway Hobo. Durr.) Can you even imagine him on a line with either of the aforementioned two-way Wings? OR BOTH?? Oop, just shat myself.

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Cliff Lee cannot stop pitching well. I realize that in the past he has shown himself to be a reliable pitcher, if not an up-and-comer, for the Indians; dude went 18-5 in Aught-Five for the Native Americans. His middle name is Phifer. But what he’s doing now? He’s not pitching out of his mind, he’s pitching out of FDR’s sealed and mummified anus right now (completely random and inexplicable. Get it? Good job). Plus, I thought starting the All-Star game would affect him negatively, but no, the Lee train keeps right on rolling.

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Also recent, Francisco Liriano was (FINALLY) called up to the Twins. After eating the lunch of pretty much everyone in the International League, Liriano and his agent AND the throng of Minnesotans sick of second place began to question out loud the validity of keeping Mr. Lightning-In-A-Bottle in the minors. After Livan Hernandez went his 14^th straight start of throwing marshmallows instead of baseballs, Twins GM Bill Smith takes the scales off his eyes and notices the destruction left in Liriano’s wake an calls him up. Good decision? FREAKING DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (with an emphasis on the heavy-breathing “H.” Go on, try it. “Hhhhhhhhhhhhh.”).

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Oh, and the Olympics are starting soon. I’ve never been big on them ‘Lympics, but I’ll give it another go. Maybe USA basketball won’t suck a donkey choad this time. MAYBE.