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Published.Com a Free directory listing service for authors Sport Seizure: NFL Pregames are the Refuge for the Retarded

Sunday, November 2, 2008

NFL Pregames are the Refuge for the Retarded

Holy hell, my brain just isn't being allowed to recover from the Guitar Hero aneurysm from yesterday.

Today, at about a quarter after noon, the Fox NFL pregame featured this doucebag giving the weather ffor the games with giant signs featuring words like "Sweet," "Trouble," and "Rain." Then they transition into, and I kid you not, a piece about a truck. A truck that was IN STUDIO.

Partially 'Tarded Terry: "And how'd you get here today?"
Douchebag: "It's funny you should ask! I used the new Ford Flibberygiblet [not sure if that's the right model of Dodge b/c I was screaming and hitting myself with a rock] over there!"
All Five Morons around the Desk: "OooooooOOOOoooooOoooOOoooo!"

I then change the channel back to ESPN (which is never a good decision whenever anyone wants some knowledge about sports), and they are talking about what would have happened had Ditka gone against Obama for Illinois state senate in '04. I don't care, I want to know about Steven Jackson. Their transition? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG. Angry caps don't do my emotions justice. Do I honestly care what Keyshawn Johnson dressed up as when he was a whiny-mouthed piece of shit kid? No!

I honestly don't understand NFL pregame shows anymore. They cram entirely too many people in their studios, they rely on stupid fluff pieces to fill time, they use moronic openings to "set the tone," and they lack actual insight into these games. Oh, Emmitt Smith, do you really think Adrian Peterson is going to do well this week? And you think the Titans play good defense? And you're positive that Steve Smith is a solid recieving option? Really? Way to go out on a limb whilst butchering the English Language.

And so help me, I will be hard-pressed not to buy a sniper rifle with two bullets should Howie Long and Tom Jackson square off in a pretentious-overdramatically-morally-outraged-finger-pointing argument in public.

Every NFL program should scrap their setups and just start from scratch.

Awkwardly enough, I like what Strahan's doing though, so he can stay. Actually, my chosen studio lineup would beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:

Host: Keith Olbermann
Former Player: Michael Strahan
Former Player: Cris Carter
NFL Newsguy: Jay Glazer

I'd list something from CBS's crew, but the only guy I can think of who isn't terrible is James Brown, and I've had a man-crush on Olbermann or over a decade, so it's not really a debate. Also notice: no Frank Caliendo, no Kenny Mayne - No forced funny crap. NFL pregame is for NFL info, not buck-toothed chuckles.

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