From the Dept. of Nonsense and Ball-Sucking

So, re: Ryan Dumpster.

When things don’t make sense I tend to get frustrated with bewilderment, kind of like when you throw a capuchin into an open desktop pc – feces everywhere and maniacal screaming. That’s how I feel about this Ryan Dempster nonsense going on right now.

“What the capital F is wrong with Ryan Dempster,” I hear you ask, “He’s the court jester of baseball! He’s Canadian! He plays for America’s sweethearts!” Oh, really.

1. There are plenty of baseball people funnier than he (just can’t think of them right now…sue me, it’s early). Doing a Harry Carey impression = funny? Nope.
2. So are hockey players, but that doesn’t mean everyone loves them. Know who else was Canadian? Hitler. Okay, maybe not… but Ben Johnson was!
3. The Cubs aren’t a real baseball team, and they only have, like, 9 real fans. They’re a stereotype of a successful, tragic, star-crossed franchise.

So, Ryan Dempster nonsense? He’s Cy Young incarnate, apparently. The Cliff Lee of the National League, if you will. Check out his stats this year, and let’s compare them to, let’s say, his previous three best seasons.

2008 – 12-5, 150.7 IP, 133 K’s, 59 BB, 2.93 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 15 QS

2000 – 14-10, 226.1 IP, 209 K’s, 97 BB, 3.66 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 20 QS

2001 – 15-12, 211.3 IP, 171 K’s, 112 BB, 4.94 EA, 1.56 WHIP, 19 QS

2005 – 5-3 (33 SV), 92 IP, 89 K’s, 49 BB, 3.13 ERA, 1.43 WHIP

Notice anything funny? Could it be that HE’S NOT AS GOOD AS HIS STATS INDICATE THIS YEAR? This is absolutely baffling how all the regular pitchers this year who are supposed to be good aren’t really, and this choad can turn in a season like this for no apparent reason. And the Cubs are just riding him right now into contention. I mean really, his WHIP and walks all tell a different story of his past! He had to be converted into a relief pitcher at one point! Having a 3.13 ERA as a closer is like having a 4.70 ERA as a starter! I DIDN’T EVEN DISPLAY HIS BAD SEASONS! GET HIM OFF THE HGH!

Do I have it out for the Cubs and for Ryan Dempster? Well, as someone who owns Erik Bedard and has watched Aaron Harang, Bronson Arroyo, Greg Maddux, Matt Cain, Jeff Francis, Tom Gorzelanny, and Brett Myers all struggle and suck, I can tell you this is maddening. It’s like everything I’ve hoped and believed in is suddenly rendered moot. What's next, Ben McDonald, Justin Thompson, and Todd Van Poppel coming back and contending for the Cy Young for the Rockies?

(I’d be so much angrier if not for Cliffy. You can keep defying odds, buddy. Dempster can suck Rich Harden’s balls)

How can you NOT hate him right now? ryan dempster is a DUMBTARD