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Sunday, November 2, 2008

NFL Pregames are the Refuge for the Retarded

Holy hell, my brain just isn't being allowed to recover from the Guitar Hero aneurysm from yesterday.

Today, at about a quarter after noon, the Fox NFL pregame featured this doucebag giving the weather ffor the games with giant signs featuring words like "Sweet," "Trouble," and "Rain." Then they transition into, and I kid you not, a piece about a truck. A truck that was IN STUDIO.

Partially 'Tarded Terry: "And how'd you get here today?"
Douchebag: "It's funny you should ask! I used the new Ford Flibberygiblet [not sure if that's the right model of Dodge b/c I was screaming and hitting myself with a rock] over there!"
All Five Morons around the Desk: "OooooooOOOOoooooOoooOOoooo!"

I then change the channel back to ESPN (which is never a good decision whenever anyone wants some knowledge about sports), and they are talking about what would have happened had Ditka gone against Obama for Illinois state senate in '04. I don't care, I want to know about Steven Jackson. Their transition? WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE HALLOWEEN COSTUME WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG. Angry caps don't do my emotions justice. Do I honestly care what Keyshawn Johnson dressed up as when he was a whiny-mouthed piece of shit kid? No!

I honestly don't understand NFL pregame shows anymore. They cram entirely too many people in their studios, they rely on stupid fluff pieces to fill time, they use moronic openings to "set the tone," and they lack actual insight into these games. Oh, Emmitt Smith, do you really think Adrian Peterson is going to do well this week? And you think the Titans play good defense? And you're positive that Steve Smith is a solid recieving option? Really? Way to go out on a limb whilst butchering the English Language.

And so help me, I will be hard-pressed not to buy a sniper rifle with two bullets should Howie Long and Tom Jackson square off in a pretentious-overdramatically-morally-outraged-finger-pointing argument in public.

Every NFL program should scrap their setups and just start from scratch.

Awkwardly enough, I like what Strahan's doing though, so he can stay. Actually, my chosen studio lineup would beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee:

Host: Keith Olbermann
Former Player: Michael Strahan
Former Player: Cris Carter
NFL Newsguy: Jay Glazer

I'd list something from CBS's crew, but the only guy I can think of who isn't terrible is James Brown, and I've had a man-crush on Olbermann or over a decade, so it's not really a debate. Also notice: no Frank Caliendo, no Kenny Mayne - No forced funny crap. NFL pregame is for NFL info, not buck-toothed chuckles.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

A Hatred So Great...

I...I'm sorry, but my brain is just....it's fried. I can't remember what I was going to write about.

I just saw that new Guitar Hero commercial with ARod, Kobe Bryant, Tony Hawk, and Mike Phelps. That many douchebags in one place...prancing about....I just can't....

I might hang myself. I can't live with that image seared into my brain.

So much hate. So. Much. Hate.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Let the Rioting Begin!

Big ups to those kooky Phillies from Philadelphia. They broke a twenty-eight year drought from their last WS, erasing the drunken shadow of Mitch Williams and his tiny, yet concentratedly solid, balls.

Although I'm a happy duck for these guys, who have arguably three of the best five players in the National League, all this can't help but bring up my pesky little CONSPIRACY THEORY! Let's take a gander at the last five WS winners, with their previous titles in parenthesis:

2008 - Philadelphia Phillies (1980)
2007 - Boston Red Sox (2004)
2006 - St. Louis Cardinals (1982)
2005 - Chicago White Sox (1917)
2004 - Boston Red Sox (1918)

Aside from goofy McPants Red Sox in '07, all of those titles ended some serious droughts. Was/is this an attempt by MLB to reignite stagnating fan bases, and also to attract band wagon fans to further amplify their merchandise sale.

Is it really so goofy to entertain that notion? This is the same sports league that, in full knowledge of steroid abuse, let its surliest, most obvious abuser and dickbag break its most prestigious record, and then when he completed his task had him blackballed. Is that so farfetched? Is it? IS IT?!

Hahaha, no seriously, it's not a conspiracy. It's just encouraging to think that if these teams can turn it around and win it all, then maybe the Tigers will capture a WS in the near future, too. Haha, conspiracy. Ridiculous. And good luck signing Cole Hamels to a sensible deal in a year or two, Phils. Bwhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

....but I really do believe the Barry Bonds stuff. That's just blatantly obvious.

Monday, October 27, 2008

This Isn't an Anti-Favre Blog. For the Most Part...

I'm watching ESPN's NFL Primetime, and Merril Hoge just said this at the end of the Jets-Chiefs highlight, "Say what you want about Brett Favre, but he always comes up in moments like these!"

Just so you know, Favreerverererere threw three interceptions in this game (nearly four), two of which were just absolutely "WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT?!"-type picks, the crippling kind, and the game-winning catch should be counted as a fumble recovery by Lavernues Coles. Bravre chucked out this leprosy-riddled duck that barely made it to the goal line, and Coles, wearing a Chiefs (the KC Chiefs! They of the non-existant defense!) defender like a scarf, one-handed this ball and made a quick spin into the end zone. That was alllllll Coles. Bravre almost blew this game to arguably the worst defense in the league, almost negated the super-human efforts of Leon Washington and the strongly above average games of Coles, Jerricho Cotchery, and Thomas Jones, and Hoge feels like Bravre won this game for the Jets?

This is why I have no faith in humanity.

If the Jets had Drew Bledsoe instead of Bravre they would be undefeated. MARK IT DOWN!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Brett Favre is and has been Bad at Football

I swear to Rob, in 1993 Brett Farvrfererverrvrer signed a lucrative agreement with most, if not all, major sports news contributers and publishers, where in return for acting like some kind of pre-pubescent 11-year-old boy all the damn time they would all agree to never say anything bad about him ever again.

I'm as serious as a fat man's fourth heart attack.

When people talk about Brett's records, all 714 of them, they always accompany something great, like when he throws a pass that Crotchery, Jennings, Brooks, Freeman, Rison, Coles, Driver, Franks, or Edgar Freaking Bennett out of the backfield somehow miraculously pull an interception from a defense and converts it, with the nonchalance and miraculousness of a Greek deity, into a touchdown, the announcers go on a tear about how Brettski has the most touchdowns ever, the best red zone erection ever, the most completions, etc. HOWTHEBALLSEVER, when he throws a mindless, crippling interception no one bothers to say with bemused tact, "Well, he does have the most interceptions in the NFL. EVER!"

And it's made even more ridiculous because I would venture to say that 47% of those interceptions were either in the end zone or killing a drive that led to a loss. Seriously, Drew Bledsoe has gotten crap all his career about several picks in the end zone. Brettballs has had probably EVEN MORE than that, and no one bats an eye or offers to blow Drew Bledsoe in apology!

It's also bordering on complete homoerotic retardation how these barfhumping shitburglers think that Brarve hasn't actually been a mediocre quarterback for the last tenyears, not to mention that his single(simple)-minded quest for the most consecutive starts has probably hurt the Packers/Jets more than it has helped them during that span. Statistical proof? WHY OF COURSE MY LITTLE DINGLEBERRY:

1999 - 22 td's, 23 int's, 74.9 rat
2000 - 20, 16, 78.0
2001 - 32, 15, 94.1
2002 - 25, 16, 85.6
2003 - 32, 21, 90.4
2004 - 30, 17, 92.4
2005 - 20, 29, 70.9
2006 - 18, 17, 72.7
2007 - 28, 15, 95.7
2008 - 13, 8, 92.3

Sure, he's had a couple 30 td seasons, but aside from '01 and '04, his picks are always close to his td totals, if not surpassing them. Also keep in mind his last four seaons. If not for 2007 any argument could have been accurately made that he is completely washed-up. Y'know, I count '07 as an aberration because the Pack put together a team that can support an offense with parts that survive apart from each other, but do even better put together. Jennings and Grant are young studs who are showing they can carry offenses, Driver is basically an acrobat with a kevlar vest, and the O-line is literally bully people regardless of who they plug in. Consider the fact that this season with the Jets, that redneck retard STILL doesn't know the playbook (which the announcers always seem to overlook, or even blame on the recievers) and threw 6 td's vs. 'Zona. And did you know he's never had a qb rating over 100?

And the cherry on top of this whole revulsion is that when Bravre "won" his third MVP, his team was straight STACKED: the defense was sick, his recievers were making the most absurd catches I have ever seen, and Dorsey Levens was brutalizing people. His co-MVP? BARRY GOTDAMNED SANDERS! He led that team to a 9-7 record, to the bloody playoffs, with Scott Mitchell as the quarterback! Barry rushed for exactly 2,000 yards in 14 games! HE WAS EATING OPPOSING DEFENSES ALIVE! When the supporting casts are compared, it makes negative sense that Bravre even got partial credit for that award. Shit, if I were Sanders I would have retired right after that season.

This is all making me so outraged it's hard to use me ol' noggin.

Look at that spoiled, vindictive, petty sack of bulldog's ass. If only he could have toiled in obscurity in Atlanta. Le sigh...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

the Tomlinson Corrollary

This is one of the weirdest fantasy season i have ever laid witness to. In real football, it seems that any team can beat any other team at any point on any week. Yay mediocrity! I mean...Parity! Yay! hopefully this season every team will finish 8-8 and the Super Bowl will be picked by way of a 32-team wrestling tournament featuring kickers in cages, battling for the chance to actually win a Super Bowl MVP (Viniateiri, you were ROBBED, man!)!

But in fake football, everyone who is supposed to be good is terrible, and i mean slam-your-hand-in-a-slidiing-door-before-Christmas terrible. Brady-done. Larry Johnson-inconsistent. Peyton-still recuperating. And then there's LaDainian Tomlinson, he of the Cursed Toe. Let's check some stats, shall we? Guess which season these first six games numbers go with:

544 rush yards, 7 td's, 10 receptions
405 rush yards, 4 td's, 18 receptions
655 rush yards, 3 td's, 32 receptions
473 rush yards, 7 td's, 32 receptions

give up? the first is from his rookie season, AKA the worst season of his career because, well, he was a rookie. the second is his current season, where his big toe is ruining everything. the third is his 2003 season, where he caught a HB record 100 passes and scored 13 td's. the last one is from his mystical 2006 season. y'know, where he scored an ungodly 28 td's to go with his 1800+ rush yard, 50+ catches, and three recieving td's to add insult to injury. What does this all serve to prove? Well, initially i was hoping that this would be an indicator that
A) he is getting older, and therefore losing his touch...es. bwhaha,
B) he is finally showing the wear and tear from nearly 3,000 touches, or
C) nothing is wrong! move along, move along.
Unfortunately, i think that the first two scenarios are the most likely. LDT has suffered more abuse over the last few years than any young runner in the NFL. Sure, he's piling on stats, or he used to pile on stats, but now his body is just getting older and more beat up, and SD's passing offense is really scary right now; they just don't need him to do the things he did. So, in essence, do we still worry?

Well, yeah, man, I drafted that idiot first overall and i'm getting nothing in return! Of course we worry! He's done, i tells ya! DONE!

I think the worst part of all this is that LDT is in about fourteen different commercials now, and every one of them are portraying him as the incredible superman that he is clearly not anymore. Man, i hate that guy...but don't get me started on him versus Ryan Grant. That guy's a piece of pig vomit.

"Hey LaDainian! Which way is North?"

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Fantasy Sports are Killing My Unborn Child

For the first three rounds of my ff league, i drafted LaDainian "Tommy" Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Ryan Grant. Sounds like a sweet stable of running backs, eh? A foundation to build on as yards are accumulated and TD's horded? Like greedy, greedy underpants gnomes? Well, the funny thing is, THEY ALL SUCK THROUGH TWO WEEKS! Want to know who my best back is thus far? The Darkness, Jerious Norwood, who's been collecting moss on my bench with kyle orton and deion branch's corpse. Week One was a tease between Tommy and Grant: both rushed for 90+ yards and no TD's. They were due, right? Bollocks to those two C U Nest Tuesdays! They ran for a COMBINED 46 yards (26 by tommy, 20 by grant)! AGAINST THE LIONS AND CHARGERS!!!

Steve Jackson did okay, considering the fact that the Rams will never hold a lead and he might score 3 td's all season. Kurt Warner came through, though. Y'know, save for the fact he threw all 3 TD's to Anquan Boldin...who was on my opponent's team.

And then there was Jon Kitna. I benched Green Bay's D in favor of New England this week, because, y'know, NE played the Jets (and Favre isn't that good, will hunting) and i felt like the lions would be efficient in their passing prowess. I looked pretty smart for doing so, until the bloody fourth quarter when Kitna found my sundae and blasted ferocious hot brown stew all over it. Three INT's in the fourth? Really? To my benched D? REALLY? FOR TOUCHDOWNS THAT BENEFITED THE AFOREMENTIONED DEFENSE WHILE IN REAL LIFE COSTING MY HOMETOWN TEAM A WIN?????!?!?!?!?


(wakes up in blue vomit)

(looks around)

(sees, Jon Kitna, sitting on a potted plant, grimacing, makes eye contact)

Me: You son of a bitch...

Kitna: Bluh?

Me: What happened to the running attack? The one that would have eaten all the clock time?

Kitna: --grunts--



(Kitna stands over my unconscious body. licks my hair)

** fin **

...seriously, though. I should not have lost this week. My team owes me.