The Mets Like Eating Putrid Aborted Fetuses

The New York Mets suck my balls.

I shall elaborate re: ball sucking.

Johan Santana is amazing, correct? Correct. The best pitcher in baseball? Correct*. Has the best pitch in baseball, featuring a devastating changeup, right? Correct…I mean right. Let’s check his stats:

Fifth in NL ERA (2.85), Seventh in NL K’s (135), Fourth in IP (161), Seventh in WHIP (1.16), and Fourth in QS (17).

So why, OH WHY in the name of Lee Corso’s merkin, is this man only 9-7? Reason = The Mets. The Mets are sucking his balls, and they’re using teeth.

As of today, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the sixth time in 24 starts this season that Santana came out of the game with a lead and failed to win. SIXTH TIME, and in four of those, the collapse came in the ninth inning. That means your boy, my boy, Johan “I gots the Donkey Sausage” Santana would be 15-7 if his bullpen wasn’t the equivalent of a coked-out grandpa in a grenade juggling competition—unpredictable, shaky, and in general a bad idea to look at. Look at this, for his first 21 starts this year in terms of earned runs allowed:

0-1 ERs - 7 times
2 ERs - 5 times
3 ERs - 5 times
4 or more ERs - 4 times

Really? 17 times in 21 starts he gives up under four runs? And the Mets can’t seal the deal? Can’t score runs?

More facts on why the Mets suck and Johan doesn’t? Of course! A small sample size to give you a taste: during a 6 start period from early June to early July, the Mets scored only 11 runs for Santana. That’s 40 innings of work. Want to know how many runs Santana allowed? 11. Four of those came in one pretty crappy start, but during that game the Mets scored…drumroll please… one run.

So there it is. The Mets acquire the best pitcher in baseball to aid them in contending in the NL East, to add some juice to an already solid staff, to conquer the demons from the end of last season’s collapse, and what do they do? Squander him. Blow him like a barracuda.

To own him in fantasy is to hate the (now lower case because I despise them so) new york mets.

"......i can't believe i miss minnesota"

* - not quite discounting Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, or even Cole Hamels or Tim Lincecum. But still - it's JOHAN SANTANA, man!