Who are These People? Mark Fidrych?

What the dace is up with major league pitching this year? I mean seriously now: what the dace?! We’ve got Jeff Francis swallowing the dead raccoon who ate a load of turds, Rich Hill devolving into a larva, Erik Berdard stewing in a jug of rotten buffalo fetuses, and there’s Scott Kazmir.

The Kaz has done nothing of redeemable value for anyone, the Rays, his fantasy denizens… Heck, I even heard he left his wife and kid alone in the department store and went to gobble on some barbequed donkey sausage. WTF! For the first month of the season this dude was eating hitters’ lunches nonstop, tossing the horsehide like it was a hummingbird sneeze; he was untouchable. And now? Now he can’t even make it five innings, can’t even finish a start without walking 4+, can’t win a freaking game. And the Rays expect to win their division? With this? Bollocks. BALDERDASH!

I declare Shenanigans on Scott Kazmir and his lack of pitching. Where’s Victor Zambrano when you need him?

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This Brett Farverevrer nonsense needs to just end already. This man is a selfish prick – just let the Packers move on already! Has he even seen the episode of Seinfeld when George realizes that it’s best to leave on a high note? Didn’t Brett have his “Good night, everyone!” cry-fest already? Maybe he’s not content with being the retired fake best quarterback ever when he’s cruising the Wisconsin scene for sorority tail and painkillers. Way to put your team, the one that acquired you and made you a king, on the spot there, Bretty boy. You douche. I hope Aaron Rogers wins the MVP for the next nine seasons.

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My fantasy football draft is on August 31^st. Seeing as how when I research for X amount of hours I still do terrible, and whichever unfortunate soul I draft in the first round criminally underachieves, I’m just not chomping at the bit to start up this year. In fact, I refuse to read any fantasy football pieces until the day of the draft. I won’t buy a magazine until August 31^st, nor will I compile a list of players in any particular ranking. What’s even more frustrating is that in our draft lottery I wanted a bottom three pick (we do a snake style drafting system), and what do I get? The first pick. So now, be wary if you draft either LaDainian or Adrian Peterson—one of them is going on my team and subsequently underachieving/getting seriously injured.

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Does anyone else love Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks? You know exactly what you’re getting with this dude: for a week or two he will be atrocious, missing everything, running poorly, making outs left and right, and then for several days at a time he’s Babe Ruth; he KILLS the ball and steals bases and in general garners more extra bags than a Beverly Hills teenager in a Gucci store (yes, horrible metaphor, I know, but it’s early. It’s so, so early!). And he’s dreamy. …What?