What Was Once Justin Verlander...

Okay, so once upon a time i defended Justin Verlander. I said he couldn't actually be bad, couldn't legitimately perform poorly on the mound. I came to his defense at the start of the season and said that he, Justin Brooks Verlander, would snap out of the malaise that consumed him. Guess what? Justin "Dickballs" Verlander loves dicks and balls. He loves to cradle them like a newborn, to purse his sweaty lips and lower himself slowly, tantalizingly, on top of the man-meat.

Justin Verlander is bad at baseball, and subsequently should mail out monetary reparations for all the poor saps who believed in his potential and acquired him para fantasy. And then he should nail his 1) pitching hand, 2) limp dick, 3) stupid horseface to a shed and be pelted with monkey turds.

Can he be this bad, this frustrating? YES. Statistical backing? YEEEEES!

Dude's ERA for the season: 4.77. ERA for August alone? 8.25!! His WHIP is 1.50 for the month to boot! His groundball/flyball ratio right now is 1.00, compared to freaking 1.22 in '96. He just set a new personal high for intentional walks with 7 (previous high: 3)! This is the WORST. STRETCH. OF. HIS. CAREER. and that's not even taking into account how craptastic he's been save a 6 game stretch from June 22 to July 20.

Look, I know the dude's been the recipient of a dumptruck full of luck; he lost one game a month last year. One game a month! But GEEZ, man. I'm having trouble conveying all this because I am so full of blind, pulsating rage. This man is not just farting in the open mouths of his fantasy owners, but he's crapping the bed for the Tigers as well. How much different would the season have gone if he was the funk-stopping, opponent-stifling, game-changing ace he has the potential to be?

Again, unfair for me to heap all sorts of blame for the Tigers' miserable season on Dickballs and not the inconsistent lineup, horrible trade for the cadaver that was once Edgar Renteria, and the prolonged cranky-injuredness of the ghost of Gary Sheffield, but it's very convenient.

And I guess I shouldn't be upset because I received Dickballs and Corey Hart for Carlos Lee and Phil Hughes (Lee - out for season now, Hughes - infinitely worse than Dickballs).]

Ol' Dickballs legitimately cannot figure out what to do with this spherical piece of horsehide. He used to know, but now he just wants to take a big, sloppy bite. What a C U Next Tuesday, eh?

The Haze

First post in how long? Good lord. Embarassing.

Justin Verlander is not actually bad at baseball. This is a common misconception with the average baseball fan; his numbers are lacking, and his performance of late leaves something to be desired. However, this sad-sack donkey-hole job of hitting, fielding, and pitching that the Detroit Tigers have been up to lately can taint the entirety of this kid's perception. The same can also be said of Miguel Cabrera, Jeremy Bonderman, Magglio Ordonez, and (to a recent extent) Curtis Granderson. I know these are good ball players. You know they are good ball players. It's just that, and I firmly believe this, they are embroiled in a schnide the likes of which haven't been seen in... well, they kinda seem to be setting a new precedent right now.

Verlander has had ridiculously good luck his first two seasons, playing for teams that may or may not have influenced his stats and performance a skosh. Now that the whole team is bogged down it seems to be easy to start panicking and entering that "HOLY HELL! START TINKERING! TINKERINGS!"- mode. I swear on a stack of grandmothers that all this will require is some patience. Verlander doesn't actually suck. The Tigers don't actually suck. I'd present statistical backing right now, but this is my first post back in over a year and I'm quite lazy.

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I honestly hope that the Hornets make it to the NBA finals this year to represent the Western Conference. I know the popular prayer is for a Lakers/Celtics brouhaha for the season's climax, but watching Paul, West, and Chandler attacking Chauncey Billups, Tayshaun Prince, and my boy Theo Ratliff over seven games would be...well, I was going to say "a gritty gutfest!", but chances are it'd be a slowed down, angry, violent series, sans over-saturation by the grueling, drooling media monster.

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Lord, I am terrified of the Penguins. Sidney Crosby, though man-tasic, is a force of nature. Gino Malkin seems to be the cow dropping on your car after Crosby's hurricane, and Marian Hossa has been playing things too under the radar. He's in a contract situation, how could he not want to give the performance of a lifetime?

And speaking of, if you were Hossa, wouldn't you play for much less for the chance to play with the Cros? I mean, I'm not saying he should take league minimum; he's way too good for that. It would behoove him to take below market value, though, assuming he wants to win Cups and pile up lifetime stats.

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This is Cliff Lee and his family. Now, just by looking at this picture, wouldn't you picture him as some guy working for Saturn? I mean, his family is too adorable and he just....he just looks like a guy. Actually, I think I loaned him a buck at an airport over the holidays. Hey, Cliff! Don't worry about the dollar! You are helping my fantasy teams too much!