What Was Once Justin Verlander...

Okay, so once upon a time i defended Justin Verlander. I said he couldn't actually be bad, couldn't legitimately perform poorly on the mound. I came to his defense at the start of the season and said that he, Justin Brooks Verlander, would snap out of the malaise that consumed him. Guess what? Justin "Dickballs" Verlander loves dicks and balls. He loves to cradle them like a newborn, to purse his sweaty lips and lower himself slowly, tantalizingly, on top of the man-meat.

Justin Verlander is bad at baseball, and subsequently should mail out monetary reparations for all the poor saps who believed in his potential and acquired him para fantasy. And then he should nail his 1) pitching hand, 2) limp dick, 3) stupid horseface to a shed and be pelted with monkey turds.

Can he be this bad, this frustrating? YES. Statistical backing? YEEEEES!

Dude's ERA for the season: 4.77. ERA for August alone? 8.25!! His WHIP is 1.50 for the month to boot! His groundball/flyball ratio right now is 1.00, compared to freaking 1.22 in '96. He just set a new personal high for intentional walks with 7 (previous high: 3)! This is the WORST. STRETCH. OF. HIS. CAREER. and that's not even taking into account how craptastic he's been save a 6 game stretch from June 22 to July 20.

Look, I know the dude's been the recipient of a dumptruck full of luck; he lost one game a month last year. One game a month! But GEEZ, man. I'm having trouble conveying all this because I am so full of blind, pulsating rage. This man is not just farting in the open mouths of his fantasy owners, but he's crapping the bed for the Tigers as well. How much different would the season have gone if he was the funk-stopping, opponent-stifling, game-changing ace he has the potential to be?

Again, unfair for me to heap all sorts of blame for the Tigers' miserable season on Dickballs and not the inconsistent lineup, horrible trade for the cadaver that was once Edgar Renteria, and the prolonged cranky-injuredness of the ghost of Gary Sheffield, but it's very convenient.

And I guess I shouldn't be upset because I received Dickballs and Corey Hart for Carlos Lee and Phil Hughes (Lee - out for season now, Hughes - infinitely worse than Dickballs).]

Ol' Dickballs legitimately cannot figure out what to do with this spherical piece of horsehide. He used to know, but now he just wants to take a big, sloppy bite. What a C U Next Tuesday, eh?

The Mets Like Eating Putrid Aborted Fetuses

The New York Mets suck my balls.

I shall elaborate re: ball sucking.

Johan Santana is amazing, correct? Correct. The best pitcher in baseball? Correct*. Has the best pitch in baseball, featuring a devastating changeup, right? Correct…I mean right. Let’s check his stats:

Fifth in NL ERA (2.85), Seventh in NL K’s (135), Fourth in IP (161), Seventh in WHIP (1.16), and Fourth in QS (17).

So why, OH WHY in the name of Lee Corso’s merkin, is this man only 9-7? Reason = The Mets. The Mets are sucking his balls, and they’re using teeth.

As of today, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the sixth time in 24 starts this season that Santana came out of the game with a lead and failed to win. SIXTH TIME, and in four of those, the collapse came in the ninth inning. That means your boy, my boy, Johan “I gots the Donkey Sausage” Santana would be 15-7 if his bullpen wasn’t the equivalent of a coked-out grandpa in a grenade juggling competition—unpredictable, shaky, and in general a bad idea to look at. Look at this, for his first 21 starts this year in terms of earned runs allowed:

0-1 ERs - 7 times
2 ERs - 5 times
3 ERs - 5 times
4 or more ERs - 4 times

Really? 17 times in 21 starts he gives up under four runs? And the Mets can’t seal the deal? Can’t score runs?

More facts on why the Mets suck and Johan doesn’t? Of course! A small sample size to give you a taste: during a 6 start period from early June to early July, the Mets scored only 11 runs for Santana. That’s 40 innings of work. Want to know how many runs Santana allowed? 11. Four of those came in one pretty crappy start, but during that game the Mets scored…drumroll please… one run.

So there it is. The Mets acquire the best pitcher in baseball to aid them in contending in the NL East, to add some juice to an already solid staff, to conquer the demons from the end of last season’s collapse, and what do they do? Squander him. Blow him like a barracuda.

To own him in fantasy is to hate the (now lower case because I despise them so) new york mets.

"......i can't believe i miss minnesota"

* - not quite discounting Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, or even Cole Hamels or Tim Lincecum. But still - it's JOHAN SANTANA, man!