Ryan Braun is Taint....ed

Remember last year, when Ryan Braun burst onto the scene like a stomach spawn from "Alien"? He was ridiculous, absolutely riDIRKulous, and in just 113 games, 451 at bats, he put up these numbers:

91 R, 146 H, 26 2b, 6 3b, 34 hr, 94 rbi, .370 obp, .634 slg, and an absolutely disgusting 1.004 ops.

Essentially, he could have gone up to bat weidling his donkey sausage and walloped a double into the gap and he could have used his butt cheeks to waddle into second. He arguably could have won the NL MVP last year (well, between Holliday and Rollins, he could have finished 3-5...but I digress). He was APESHIT. This year his statline is reminiscent of his final line last year...except right now he has played in 23 more games with almost 100 more ab's. How about his last ten games, to better contextualize his 2008 stats?

36 ab's, 2 R, 6 H, 0 2b, 0 3b, 0 hr, 0 rbi, a drop of .006 in obp, a drop of .067 in slg, and a drop of .043 in ops.

It's like he's going up to the dish with Johnny Estrada's penis and trying to bunt. I mean, come on! He's batting .225 in september! Gah. Would you like to know how he did last september?

27 R, 32 H, 6 2b, 1 3b, 9 hr, 29 rbi, .308 avg.

"Ryan Braun." Whatever. Let the Royals reliever keep the name, it's too righteous for a gimped, retarded, long-nosed, dick-jiggling, kitten-rapist! Let's call him Taintface! Yeah! Taintface!

I hate you, Taintface. You are like a throbbing, veiny, seeping boil on the asscrack of a vagrant. A vagrant who just ran two blocks in Key West to dive into a pile of rooster shit. I am livid with this guy's performance right now. I hope real Brewer fans are having kittens about this crap. Oh my gosh.

Insert Weiner Here.

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On the bright side, the Lions are still terrible. Oh wait.

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Vince Young is not insane, he just doesn't like to be booed.

Let's hope he never gets traded. Or learns how to be a real quarterback.

Between this scenario and Matt Leinart's, doesn't it seem like NFL teams should be doing a much better job drafting and cultivating quarterbacks? These are two guys who were given a system in college that suited their games perfectly, in addition to ridiculous talent surrounding them. They also got to destroy the competition in college because college football is chock full of players who are the best at their schools, not the best in the country necessarily. Sometimes it's a matter of who the fastest wheelchair racer is in the Special Olympics - Michael Johnson could still outrun the fastest bastard there.

Shoot, this brings back flashes of David Carr, Ryan Leaf, and even Alex Smith currently. It's disgusting! These qb's are thrown into the fire, left to be destroyed, all the while trying to sort out the fact that in college they were gods and in the NFL they are gangrene on Travis Henry's ballsack. That can devastate their confidence, and when your subconscious is against you, you're not going to succeed at anything, let alone quarterbacking and NFL franchise.

And if they really are a product of a system? That should be entirely more evident, like in the cases of Troy Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and Heath Schuler. These guys were good, even great qb's in college, but NFL teams knew better (eep. scratch the Schuler reference. The Redskins apparently think college success translates seamlessly into NFL success. Ask Desmond Howard) and avoided pinning their hopes on these people.

Why do GM's fall prey to this? And why do coaches throw all their eggs in one basket right away? One could hypothesize that the coaches pull the trigger so early because they hope these qb's can revolutionize their teams and buy them a few more years on the job. Or maybe the gm's and coaches are under durress from pressure dropping down via the owner. All these factors probably predicate the issue of young quarterback failure. It's sad, really.

But there's still hope! Some teams actually make conscientious efforts towards cultivating their young talent! Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to look at a football until a full year had passed since his draft day. Phil Rivers waited. Jay Cutler waited. And, although it's probably premature, Aaron Rodgers paid his dues and waited for his overrated, worthless, idiotic, short-sited predecessor to skip town because some team offered him a case of Wild Turkey, and he looked pretty good against a very good defense.

I dunno. I just hope teams wise up. I hate praying every night for Drew Stanton to pan out. Blech.


"Hey kids! U-member me?"

Holy Post Deadline Deal, Batman!

Wow, I just recently read that the Arizona Diamondbacks have acquired Adam Dunn for a box of ramen noodles. This is, to say the least, mind-altering. Dunn goes from a pretty sad-sack scenario in Cincinnati (part rebuilding, part Dusty Baker excrement) to a first place team in probably one of the most desirable locations for a professional athlete to play.

This is great for me b/c i have mark reynolds and stephen drew on my fantasy team, who should (theoretically) benefit from the addition of someone who, if he isn't walloping home runs to mexico (32 thus far, 412.1 feet avg, 16 No Doubters [hit tracker is AMAZING]), is on base almost all the time (80 walks, .370 OBP). i bet arizona resigns him to an extension and actually use him correctly (read: in the 3 or 4 slot, not buried and wasting at 5 or 6). and they won't try and make him bunt (like that dum-dum over there, Dusty).

Also, and this is disconcerting, I had sent an email to Ken (Michael "Mose Schrute" Schur) Tremendous - lots of names - with a snippet about me pining for the trade of Adam Dunn for Gary Sheffield, and what happens three hours later? A trade involving Adam Dunn. Hmmmh.

(that sentence implies two false things: 1. that I email Mr. Schur all the time 'cause he's my buddy [doesn't know who i am... i think], 2. my random hopes and dreams were based in reality re: Dunn-for-Sheffield. Anyway. Trade was huge. Donkey-sausage huge.)

The Mets Like Eating Putrid Aborted Fetuses

The New York Mets suck my balls.

I shall elaborate re: ball sucking.

Johan Santana is amazing, correct? Correct. The best pitcher in baseball? Correct*. Has the best pitch in baseball, featuring a devastating changeup, right? Correct…I mean right. Let’s check his stats:

Fifth in NL ERA (2.85), Seventh in NL K’s (135), Fourth in IP (161), Seventh in WHIP (1.16), and Fourth in QS (17).

So why, OH WHY in the name of Lee Corso’s merkin, is this man only 9-7? Reason = The Mets. The Mets are sucking his balls, and they’re using teeth.

As of today, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the sixth time in 24 starts this season that Santana came out of the game with a lead and failed to win. SIXTH TIME, and in four of those, the collapse came in the ninth inning. That means your boy, my boy, Johan “I gots the Donkey Sausage” Santana would be 15-7 if his bullpen wasn’t the equivalent of a coked-out grandpa in a grenade juggling competition—unpredictable, shaky, and in general a bad idea to look at. Look at this, for his first 21 starts this year in terms of earned runs allowed:

0-1 ERs - 7 times
2 ERs - 5 times
3 ERs - 5 times
4 or more ERs - 4 times

Really? 17 times in 21 starts he gives up under four runs? And the Mets can’t seal the deal? Can’t score runs?

More facts on why the Mets suck and Johan doesn’t? Of course! A small sample size to give you a taste: during a 6 start period from early June to early July, the Mets scored only 11 runs for Santana. That’s 40 innings of work. Want to know how many runs Santana allowed? 11. Four of those came in one pretty crappy start, but during that game the Mets scored…drumroll please… one run.

So there it is. The Mets acquire the best pitcher in baseball to aid them in contending in the NL East, to add some juice to an already solid staff, to conquer the demons from the end of last season’s collapse, and what do they do? Squander him. Blow him like a barracuda.

To own him in fantasy is to hate the (now lower case because I despise them so) new york mets.

"......i can't believe i miss minnesota"

* - not quite discounting Brandon Webb, Jake Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, or even Cole Hamels or Tim Lincecum. But still - it's JOHAN SANTANA, man!

Who are These People? Mark Fidrych?

What the dace is up with major league pitching this year? I mean seriously now: what the dace?! We’ve got Jeff Francis swallowing the dead raccoon who ate a load of turds, Rich Hill devolving into a larva, Erik Berdard stewing in a jug of rotten buffalo fetuses, and there’s Scott Kazmir.

The Kaz has done nothing of redeemable value for anyone, the Rays, his fantasy denizens… Heck, I even heard he left his wife and kid alone in the department store and went to gobble on some barbequed donkey sausage. WTF! For the first month of the season this dude was eating hitters’ lunches nonstop, tossing the horsehide like it was a hummingbird sneeze; he was untouchable. And now? Now he can’t even make it five innings, can’t even finish a start without walking 4+, can’t win a freaking game. And the Rays expect to win their division? With this? Bollocks. BALDERDASH!

I declare Shenanigans on Scott Kazmir and his lack of pitching. Where’s Victor Zambrano when you need him?

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This Brett Farverevrer nonsense needs to just end already. This man is a selfish prick – just let the Packers move on already! Has he even seen the episode of Seinfeld when George realizes that it’s best to leave on a high note? Didn’t Brett have his “Good night, everyone!” cry-fest already? Maybe he’s not content with being the retired fake best quarterback ever when he’s cruising the Wisconsin scene for sorority tail and painkillers. Way to put your team, the one that acquired you and made you a king, on the spot there, Bretty boy. You douche. I hope Aaron Rogers wins the MVP for the next nine seasons.

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My fantasy football draft is on August 31^st. Seeing as how when I research for X amount of hours I still do terrible, and whichever unfortunate soul I draft in the first round criminally underachieves, I’m just not chomping at the bit to start up this year. In fact, I refuse to read any fantasy football pieces until the day of the draft. I won’t buy a magazine until August 31^st, nor will I compile a list of players in any particular ranking. What’s even more frustrating is that in our draft lottery I wanted a bottom three pick (we do a snake style drafting system), and what do I get? The first pick. So now, be wary if you draft either LaDainian or Adrian Peterson—one of them is going on my team and subsequently underachieving/getting seriously injured.

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Does anyone else love Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks? You know exactly what you’re getting with this dude: for a week or two he will be atrocious, missing everything, running poorly, making outs left and right, and then for several days at a time he’s Babe Ruth; he KILLS the ball and steals bases and in general garners more extra bags than a Beverly Hills teenager in a Gucci store (yes, horrible metaphor, I know, but it’s early. It’s so, so early!). And he’s dreamy. …What?