I will not mention Tom Brady

Oliver Perez stood by his locker after his team rallied late to give him a no decision, saving him a devastating loss. He sighed and breathed deeply into his microphone, contemplating the right words to say, the right way to convey the relief and the euphoria he felt after being let off the hook. He wouldn't be responsible for a slip up in the Mets' charging towards their division crown in Aught Eight.

He looked at the microphone, tightened his grip. His eyes, red-rimmed and weary, closed slowly. Then he lowered his giant, gaping monkey face on top of the mike and started sucking away like Rich Garces trying to extricate the last bit of Slurpee from his Big Gulp. It wasn't a microphone at all; it was David Wright succulent penis.

Oliver Perez, who has been a revelation the last month and a half as a waiver pick up for my fantasy team, biffed it against the Washington Nationals (!!!) last night, and instead of accruing the loss he deserved his stupid, ball-twiddling teammates bailed him out with a three-run sixth inning. I wish those bastards would've just lost. I don't care about the no decision! What feeling does that leave me with! It wasn't a win like I needed, so I wanted everyone involved to suffer!

GAHHHHHH

On the plus side, waiver whore Randy Wolf gots me a much needed winsy poo. What a guy!

***

On the injury front for NFL, Marques Colston will be out for 4 to 6 weeks with a thumb injury that required surgery. That leaves the door open for Devery Henderson, David Patten, and Robert Meachem to fight over who gets a first-row seat to watching Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush catch all of Drew Brees' passes.

It's kinda sad, really; the same guy in my league that owned Tom Brady (nutsack, I mentioned him) and Chris Johnson also owned Colston. This dude's team is Team Madden Cover. Absolutely ridiculous, man.

***

Erik Bedard is throwing still. For no good reason. I hope his fetus goes to hell.

***

Fantasy pickup for this weekend: Antwaan Randle-El. He's like poor man's old version of Nate Burleson.

What's up with injuries this season? Good lord.

Ricky Who?

i keep forgetting that ricky williams is still alive. that's not supposed to sound mean, because i don't hate the man...i'm just confused by him. everyone knows about his love of the ganja, his early retirement, and his battles with depressive, crippling shyness. i also enjoy the fact that the dude grew out a viking beard and decided to play in the CFL. Now it seems he's about to be reinstated in the NFL. with cory "good bye lions!!" schlesinger doing some good blocking ahead of him and having ronnie brown getting the bulk of the carries. call me crazy (in reference to ol' ricky, yes, it's a pun), but i think mr. williams will be making a significant comeback this season....awkwardly enough.

"Blades of Glory" seems to be another success for will ferrell, and i know i'm excited to see it. from word of mouth it appears to be a pretty solid movie, and the combo of daniel heder's subdued goofy and ferrell's bombastic goofy looks to be a good match. personally, i just like the way ferrell keeps having connections with sports in his movies, from this to "Kicking and Screaming" to "Ricky Bobby." maybe he would be interested in a "Slapshot" remake...or a biopic of harry carey. one can only hope...

here are the rankings for catchers and starting pitchers:

Catchers:
1. Joe Mauer
2. Victor Martinez (1B)
3. Brian McCann - it's funny how the braves have mccann in a long term deal as well as staltamacchia, the top catching prospect, in their system.
4. Kenji Johjima
5. Michael Barrett - after an abbreviated season last year, i think he'll mash this one.
6. Mike Piazza
7. Ramon Hernandez
8. Jorge Posada
9. Russ Martin - he's like a new pudge rodriguez!
10. Ivan Rodriguez - he's like an old pudge rodriguez!
11. Johnny Estrada
12. Paul Lo Duca
13. Jason Varitek

Starting Pitchers:
Johan Santana
Jake Peavy
Carlos Zambrano
Chris Carpenter
Roy Oswalt
Roy Halladay
Brandon Webb
Ben Sheets - STAY. HEALTHY.
John Lackey
Scott Kazmir
Jeremy Bonderman
CC Sabathia
Dan Haren
Felix Hernandez
John Smoltz
Daisuke Matsuzaka - unproven commodity could shift the red sox fortune....or get shellacked.
Aaron Harang
Brett Myers
Justin Verlander
Rich Harden - STAY. HEALTHY. CANUCK.
Bronson Arroyo
Chris Capuano
Curt Schilling
Barry Zito
Freddy Garcia
Chris Young
Dave Bush - look out for this guy: he could be really good.
AJ Burnett
Randy Johnson
Dontrelle Willis
Cole Hamels
Jason Schmidt
Erik Bedard
Ervin Santana
Matt Cain
Bartolo Colon - prooooobably should be higher...
Kelvim Escobar
Javier Vazquez
Jason Jennings
Nate Robertson
Mark Prior - prooooooobably should be lower....assuming he gets back to the bigs.
Mike Mussina
Josh Beckett
Jered Weaver
Jeff Francis - a steal in sheep's ballpark.
John Patterson
Rich Hill
Scott Olsen
Brad Penny
Kenny Rogers - kenny! nooooooooo!
Tom Glavine
Chien-Ming Wang/Kei Igawa - one's injured, one's unproven...i just couldn't decide where to put which. and no, i'm not lumping them together because they're asian.
Jose Contreres
Adam Wainwright
Ted Lilly
Chuck James
Andy Pettitte
Jeff Suppan
Derek Lowe
Jeremy Sowers - could get some serious W's.
Joe Blanton
Jon Garland
Anibal Sanchez
Jake Westbrook
Mike Maroth
Kevin Millwood
Boof Bonser - ....i'd draft him early just for the name alone.
Vincente Padilla
Doug Davis
Josh Johnson
Randy Wolf
Oliver Perez/Miguel Batista - one of these guys might be a great value pick. i think.

also, i think that the twins might finally drop to mediocre status this year...and then catapult back up when liriano comes back next season. go tigers!