For the first three rounds of my ff league, i drafted LaDainian "Tommy" Tomlinson, Steven Jackson, and Ryan Grant. Sounds like a sweet stable of running backs, eh? A foundation to build on as yards are accumulated and TD's horded? Like greedy, greedy underpants gnomes? Well, the funny thing is, THEY ALL SUCK THROUGH TWO WEEKS! Want to know who my best back is thus far? The Darkness, Jerious Norwood, who's been collecting moss on my bench with kyle orton and deion branch's corpse. Week One was a tease between Tommy and Grant: both rushed for 90+ yards and no TD's. They were due, right? Bollocks to those two C U Nest Tuesdays! They ran for a COMBINED 46 yards (26 by tommy, 20 by grant)! AGAINST THE LIONS AND CHARGERS!!!
Steve Jackson did okay, considering the fact that the Rams will never hold a lead and he might score 3 td's all season. Kurt Warner came through, though. Y'know, save for the fact he threw all 3 TD's to Anquan Boldin...who was on my opponent's team.
And then there was Jon Kitna. I benched Green Bay's D in favor of New England this week, because, y'know, NE played the Jets (and Favre isn't that good, will hunting) and i felt like the lions would be efficient in their passing prowess. I looked pretty smart for doing so, until the bloody fourth quarter when Kitna found my sundae and blasted ferocious hot brown stew all over it. Three INT's in the fourth? Really? To my benched D? REALLY? FOR TOUCHDOWNS THAT BENEFITED THE AFOREMENTIONED DEFENSE WHILE IN REAL LIFE COSTING MY HOMETOWN TEAM A WIN?????!?!?!?!?
/seizure
(wakes up in blue vomit)
(looks around)
(sees, Jon Kitna, sitting on a potted plant, grimacing, makes eye contact)
Me: You son of a bitch...
Kitna: Bluh?
Me: What happened to the running attack? The one that would have eaten all the clock time?
Kitna: --grunts--
Me: THE RUN THAT WAS RE-COMMITTED TO?! SO THAT WHEN THERE WAS LESS THAN 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK A FIELD GOAL WOULD HAVE BEEN KICKED AND YOU WOULDN'T COST ME POINTS AND YOU WOULD'VE BEATEN THE PA...
/seizure
(Kitna stands over my unconscious body. licks my hair)
** fin **
...seriously, though. I should not have lost this week. My team owes me.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Ryan Braun is Taint....ed
Remember last year, when Ryan Braun burst onto the scene like a stomach spawn from "Alien"? He was ridiculous, absolutely riDIRKulous, and in just 113 games, 451 at bats, he put up these numbers:
91 R, 146 H, 26 2b, 6 3b, 34 hr, 94 rbi, .370 obp, .634 slg, and an absolutely disgusting 1.004 ops.
Essentially, he could have gone up to bat weidling his donkey sausage and walloped a double into the gap and he could have used his butt cheeks to waddle into second. He arguably could have won the NL MVP last year (well, between Holliday and Rollins, he could have finished 3-5...but I digress). He was APESHIT. This year his statline is reminiscent of his final line last year...except right now he has played in 23 more games with almost 100 more ab's. How about his last ten games, to better contextualize his 2008 stats?
36 ab's, 2 R, 6 H, 0 2b, 0 3b, 0 hr, 0 rbi, a drop of .006 in obp, a drop of .067 in slg, and a drop of .043 in ops.
It's like he's going up to the dish with Johnny Estrada's penis and trying to bunt. I mean, come on! He's batting .225 in september! Gah. Would you like to know how he did last september?
27 R, 32 H, 6 2b, 1 3b, 9 hr, 29 rbi, .308 avg.
"Ryan Braun." Whatever. Let the Royals reliever keep the name, it's too righteous for a gimped, retarded, long-nosed, dick-jiggling, kitten-rapist! Let's call him Taintface! Yeah! Taintface!
I hate you, Taintface. You are like a throbbing, veiny, seeping boil on the asscrack of a vagrant. A vagrant who just ran two blocks in Key West to dive into a pile of rooster shit. I am livid with this guy's performance right now. I hope real Brewer fans are having kittens about this crap. Oh my gosh.
Insert Weiner Here.
***
On the bright side, the Lions are still terrible. Oh wait.
***
Vince Young is not insane, he just doesn't like to be booed.
Let's hope he never gets traded. Or learns how to be a real quarterback.
Between this scenario and Matt Leinart's, doesn't it seem like NFL teams should be doing a much better job drafting and cultivating quarterbacks? These are two guys who were given a system in college that suited their games perfectly, in addition to ridiculous talent surrounding them. They also got to destroy the competition in college because college football is chock full of players who are the best at their schools, not the best in the country necessarily. Sometimes it's a matter of who the fastest wheelchair racer is in the Special Olympics - Michael Johnson could still outrun the fastest bastard there.
Shoot, this brings back flashes of David Carr, Ryan Leaf, and even Alex Smith currently. It's disgusting! These qb's are thrown into the fire, left to be destroyed, all the while trying to sort out the fact that in college they were gods and in the NFL they are gangrene on Travis Henry's ballsack. That can devastate their confidence, and when your subconscious is against you, you're not going to succeed at anything, let alone quarterbacking and NFL franchise.
And if they really are a product of a system? That should be entirely more evident, like in the cases of Troy Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and Heath Schuler. These guys were good, even great qb's in college, but NFL teams knew better (eep. scratch the Schuler reference. The Redskins apparently think college success translates seamlessly into NFL success. Ask Desmond Howard) and avoided pinning their hopes on these people.
Why do GM's fall prey to this? And why do coaches throw all their eggs in one basket right away? One could hypothesize that the coaches pull the trigger so early because they hope these qb's can revolutionize their teams and buy them a few more years on the job. Or maybe the gm's and coaches are under durress from pressure dropping down via the owner. All these factors probably predicate the issue of young quarterback failure. It's sad, really.
But there's still hope! Some teams actually make conscientious efforts towards cultivating their young talent! Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to look at a football until a full year had passed since his draft day. Phil Rivers waited. Jay Cutler waited. And, although it's probably premature, Aaron Rodgers paid his dues and waited for his overrated, worthless, idiotic, short-sited predecessor to skip town because some team offered him a case of Wild Turkey, and he looked pretty good against a very good defense.
I dunno. I just hope teams wise up. I hate praying every night for Drew Stanton to pan out. Blech.
"Hey kids! U-member me?"
91 R, 146 H, 26 2b, 6 3b, 34 hr, 94 rbi, .370 obp, .634 slg, and an absolutely disgusting 1.004 ops.
Essentially, he could have gone up to bat weidling his donkey sausage and walloped a double into the gap and he could have used his butt cheeks to waddle into second. He arguably could have won the NL MVP last year (well, between Holliday and Rollins, he could have finished 3-5...but I digress). He was APESHIT. This year his statline is reminiscent of his final line last year...except right now he has played in 23 more games with almost 100 more ab's. How about his last ten games, to better contextualize his 2008 stats?
36 ab's, 2 R, 6 H, 0 2b, 0 3b, 0 hr, 0 rbi, a drop of .006 in obp, a drop of .067 in slg, and a drop of .043 in ops.
It's like he's going up to the dish with Johnny Estrada's penis and trying to bunt. I mean, come on! He's batting .225 in september! Gah. Would you like to know how he did last september?
27 R, 32 H, 6 2b, 1 3b, 9 hr, 29 rbi, .308 avg.
"Ryan Braun." Whatever. Let the Royals reliever keep the name, it's too righteous for a gimped, retarded, long-nosed, dick-jiggling, kitten-rapist! Let's call him Taintface! Yeah! Taintface!
I hate you, Taintface. You are like a throbbing, veiny, seeping boil on the asscrack of a vagrant. A vagrant who just ran two blocks in Key West to dive into a pile of rooster shit. I am livid with this guy's performance right now. I hope real Brewer fans are having kittens about this crap. Oh my gosh.
Insert Weiner Here.
***
On the bright side, the Lions are still terrible. Oh wait.
***
Vince Young is not insane, he just doesn't like to be booed.
Let's hope he never gets traded. Or learns how to be a real quarterback.
Between this scenario and Matt Leinart's, doesn't it seem like NFL teams should be doing a much better job drafting and cultivating quarterbacks? These are two guys who were given a system in college that suited their games perfectly, in addition to ridiculous talent surrounding them. They also got to destroy the competition in college because college football is chock full of players who are the best at their schools, not the best in the country necessarily. Sometimes it's a matter of who the fastest wheelchair racer is in the Special Olympics - Michael Johnson could still outrun the fastest bastard there.
Shoot, this brings back flashes of David Carr, Ryan Leaf, and even Alex Smith currently. It's disgusting! These qb's are thrown into the fire, left to be destroyed, all the while trying to sort out the fact that in college they were gods and in the NFL they are gangrene on Travis Henry's ballsack. That can devastate their confidence, and when your subconscious is against you, you're not going to succeed at anything, let alone quarterbacking and NFL franchise.
And if they really are a product of a system? That should be entirely more evident, like in the cases of Troy Smith, Danny Wuerffel, and Heath Schuler. These guys were good, even great qb's in college, but NFL teams knew better (eep. scratch the Schuler reference. The Redskins apparently think college success translates seamlessly into NFL success. Ask Desmond Howard) and avoided pinning their hopes on these people.
Why do GM's fall prey to this? And why do coaches throw all their eggs in one basket right away? One could hypothesize that the coaches pull the trigger so early because they hope these qb's can revolutionize their teams and buy them a few more years on the job. Or maybe the gm's and coaches are under durress from pressure dropping down via the owner. All these factors probably predicate the issue of young quarterback failure. It's sad, really.
But there's still hope! Some teams actually make conscientious efforts towards cultivating their young talent! Carson Palmer wasn't allowed to look at a football until a full year had passed since his draft day. Phil Rivers waited. Jay Cutler waited. And, although it's probably premature, Aaron Rodgers paid his dues and waited for his overrated, worthless, idiotic, short-sited predecessor to skip town because some team offered him a case of Wild Turkey, and he looked pretty good against a very good defense.
I dunno. I just hope teams wise up. I hate praying every night for Drew Stanton to pan out. Blech.
"Hey kids! U-member me?"
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I will not mention Tom Brady
Oliver Perez stood by his locker after his team rallied late to give him a no decision, saving him a devastating loss. He sighed and breathed deeply into his microphone, contemplating the right words to say, the right way to convey the relief and the euphoria he felt after being let off the hook. He wouldn't be responsible for a slip up in the Mets' charging towards their division crown in Aught Eight.
He looked at the microphone, tightened his grip. His eyes, red-rimmed and weary, closed slowly. Then he lowered his giant, gaping monkey face on top of the mike and started sucking away like Rich Garces trying to extricate the last bit of Slurpee from his Big Gulp. It wasn't a microphone at all; it was David Wright succulent penis.
Oliver Perez, who has been a revelation the last month and a half as a waiver pick up for my fantasy team, biffed it against the Washington Nationals (!!!) last night, and instead of accruing the loss he deserved his stupid, ball-twiddling teammates bailed him out with a three-run sixth inning. I wish those bastards would've just lost. I don't care about the no decision! What feeling does that leave me with! It wasn't a win like I needed, so I wanted everyone involved to suffer!
GAHHHHHH
On the plus side, waiver whore Randy Wolf gots me a much needed winsy poo. What a guy!
***
On the injury front for NFL, Marques Colston will be out for 4 to 6 weeks with a thumb injury that required surgery. That leaves the door open for Devery Henderson, David Patten, and Robert Meachem to fight over who gets a first-row seat to watching Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush catch all of Drew Brees' passes.
It's kinda sad, really; the same guy in my league that owned Tom Brady (nutsack, I mentioned him) and Chris Johnson also owned Colston. This dude's team is Team Madden Cover. Absolutely ridiculous, man.
***
Erik Bedard is throwing still. For no good reason. I hope his fetus goes to hell.
***
Fantasy pickup for this weekend: Antwaan Randle-El. He's like poor man's old version of Nate Burleson.
What's up with injuries this season? Good lord.
He looked at the microphone, tightened his grip. His eyes, red-rimmed and weary, closed slowly. Then he lowered his giant, gaping monkey face on top of the mike and started sucking away like Rich Garces trying to extricate the last bit of Slurpee from his Big Gulp. It wasn't a microphone at all; it was David Wright succulent penis.
Oliver Perez, who has been a revelation the last month and a half as a waiver pick up for my fantasy team, biffed it against the Washington Nationals (!!!) last night, and instead of accruing the loss he deserved his stupid, ball-twiddling teammates bailed him out with a three-run sixth inning. I wish those bastards would've just lost. I don't care about the no decision! What feeling does that leave me with! It wasn't a win like I needed, so I wanted everyone involved to suffer!
GAHHHHHH
On the plus side, waiver whore Randy Wolf gots me a much needed winsy poo. What a guy!
***
On the injury front for NFL, Marques Colston will be out for 4 to 6 weeks with a thumb injury that required surgery. That leaves the door open for Devery Henderson, David Patten, and Robert Meachem to fight over who gets a first-row seat to watching Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush catch all of Drew Brees' passes.
It's kinda sad, really; the same guy in my league that owned Tom Brady (nutsack, I mentioned him) and Chris Johnson also owned Colston. This dude's team is Team Madden Cover. Absolutely ridiculous, man.
***
Erik Bedard is throwing still. For no good reason. I hope his fetus goes to hell.
***
Fantasy pickup for this weekend: Antwaan Randle-El. He's like poor man's old version of Nate Burleson.
What's up with injuries this season? Good lord.
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